Menstuff® has compiled information and books on the issue of Relationships. This section is the 2002 Archive of DocLove's weekly column featured daily on our homepage. Doc Love is a talk show host, entertainment speaker, and coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" He is the author of the Master Series, available at www.doclove.com Archive 2004, 2003b, 2002a, 2002b, 2001, 2000.
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Am I Being Too Much of a
Dear Doc Love,
I wanted to tell you that you have yet another woman in your corner. Your advice is great. At first I was put off by the somewhat negative tone. It seemed rather combative, but now I can appreciate your directness and humor. I have referred several of my guy friends to your articles. A few have even purchased The System.
I am writing to you because I wanted to say that the problem of "needy men" needs more discussion. I don't think that guys are getting the picture. No man wants to admit he is needy, especially if he has a very macho profession, so he dismisses the problem as not being relevant to him.
I just broke off a year-long relationship with a highly decorated former Navy SEAL because he was simply too needy and insecure. We met via a matchmaking service on the Internet. We spent several months talking on the phone and e-mailing before we met in person. (We live very far away from each other.)
I ignored a few obvious "red flags" in the beginning. He told me that he loved me and thought we were soul mates before we ever met in person. We talked on the phone every day for hours upon hours. At first I found this to be really romantic. I loved it. My friends warned me that this was largely fantasy, but I really wanted to believe that I had finally found "the one."
Several weeks later, when we finally met in person, it was very difficult for me to fuse the "fantasy phone man" with the real person in front of me. He expected a grand romance, an instant physical connection. I was just getting used to the reality that there was this stranger in front of me that I knew only by phone.
I was only somewhat attracted to him physically, but I liked him so much over the phone that I hoped he would grow on me. He immediately sensed that I was pulling back. Rather than let me process this new dynamic, he hounded me for daily affirmations of my love for him. He would pout if I did not sound totally enthusiastic to hear from him after his 5th telephone call in one day. I told him that I felt that we were going too fast and that I needed time for my feelings to catch up.
He didn't understand that I could love him as a person (based upon our hundreds of phone hours), but not feel "in love" yet. I tried to help him understand. I sent him links to your articles...to get some clues about the negative effects of saying "I love you" too much and being too needy. That backfired big time. He just got offended and more hurt.
We visited each other every other month. Each time I tried my best to fall in love with him...but something was missing. He would talk excitedly about marriage and children with me and I would try to share that vision, but I just didn't feel it. Finally I could not take it any more and broke up with him.
He told me that I ruined his life and that I am a horrible person for having led him on. He then continued to call me every day, begging to get back together. He sent pleading e-mails to my family. He sent gifts. He then said that if he couldn't be my boyfriend that he wanted to still be my best friend and talk to me every day.
He then accused me of not wanting a "nice guy" and that I must really want a jerk. That is so untrue. I gave him the benefit of the doubt so many times because I liked the fact that he was nice. But his "niceness" turned into desperation. Ugh. I finally had to block him. I feel like I hung in there much longer than most women would. I really gave him my best shot. What else could I have done?
Lucida who would love to hear your thoughts, Doc
Great letter. Thank you.
Youve brought to light something very important. A guy can be as tough as a tank on the outside and still be a lost little whimpering boy on the inside. Think of the strength, the discipline, the stamina and the endurance required of a man to become a Navy Seal. Its extraordinary. I mean you have to be one tough, almost superhuman mofo to make it. Only a very, very small percentage of men have what it takes. Most of us guys wouldnt get past the first orientation meeting. More than half of those who even get to try to become a Seal, scrub out before they make the grade.
So heres a guy with all that strength and all those survival and combat skills and hes completely lost and useless when it comes to courtship. Hes a winner on the battlefield but a total loser in love. But just as he was able to become an extremely competent, highly skilled soldier by undergoing proper training, so too can he become equally successful in love.
There is one place where men can come for the intensive training in deportment and courtship skills necessary to gain mastery in love relationships. That place is known as Doc Loves Boot Camp for seekers of truth leave your ego at the door.
Bless you, Lucinda, for your kind and courageous gesture of trying to acquaint this guy with The System. Unfortunately, it seems, at least for now, that hes not ready to change. Hes un-coachable. He had the ball in his hand but he fumbled it, on purpose! My bible totin Uncle Jethro Love would say, Lucinda, that you were Casting your pearls before swine. But lets not be too harsh on him. He may redeem himself someday. Never say never.
Still, I must point out that this dude was really blowing it with you from the get-go. Before he had even met you in person he was telling you he loved you and was declaring you to be his soul mate. Geesh! He was in such a rush to seal the deal Im surprised he didnt propose marriage over the phone as well. Why wait? And of course, as all serious students of The System can see, he was spending way, way, way too much time on the phone talking with you. He was about as much of a Challenge as a tennis match with a four-year-old.
Lucinda, you could have avoided this disaster if you had listened to your own inner womanly wisdom that was speaking to you. Be honest with yourself. When Mr. War Hero raised those red flags that you mentioned, you knew right then and there, in your heart of hearts that this puppy wasnt going to fly. You were in love with the idea of being in love but not with the man himself. You should have cut him loose while your relationship with him was merely telephonic. Instead you drew it out; and things, as you might have expected if you were being objective, got ugly.
I could end the analysis of this fiasco right here, but for the sake of decency, I have to berate this guy about one other thing. He deserves it.
First hes so cloying and obnoxious that he leaves you no alternative but to break up with him. Then he accuses you of ruining his life and hounds you with phone calls begging you to get back together with him?! He even sends pleading e-mails to your family! Classless moron! Hes truly a lost soul. You can bet, as sure as Jimmy Dean loves pork sausage, that this loser will be repeating the same mistakes with his next love interest. Lets all pray for him. (Im serious.)
Next time around, Lucinda, be true to your inner wisdom and weed out the needy boys before you get involved with another one of them.
Remember, guys: neediness is unmanly.
I was out on a date recently and during the course of our conversation, my date (who was very attractive) mentioned that she has a lot of friends and that she doesn't need a relationship. I just kept smiling, nodded my head and said, "Oh yeah, tell me more".
She proceeded to tell me that she has various male friends that do things for her and that the car she's driving now was a "gift" and so forth. I was able (thanks to your coaching) to translate her Womanese into the fact that she has a small army of wimpy guys for "friends" that she only keeps as her "friends" because they can either:
1) Do something for her.
2) Buy something for her.
3) Take her out somewhere.
I just want to say, Doc, that had it not been for The System, I probably would've joined her group of "friends," never gotten her respect and would have nothing but an empty wallet to show for it. (She actually called me a few days later with a seductive damsel in distress tone to her voice, asking me to help her with something. I took a pass.)
Please share this with your readers. I want to help you help as many guys as possible to not get sucked into this losers game. Thanks a million!!
Duncan who would like to hear your comments on this
Although you almost never hear about it in the mainstream media, all you guys should be aware that there is a significant percentage of women out there who have no ethical conflict whatsoever with the idea of using men for favors while motivating them with false hopes of intimacy. To you Psych majors, dont expect to see a show about this on Oprah.
But let me make some distinctions here. There are different types of women who use men. Two of the most common are: Ovaria Mercenaria The Mercenary and her cousin, The Queen Bee. The Mercenary differs from the Queen Bee in that once she has picked out as her mark, a man who will provide her with enhanced social status, unlimited financial resources, and a life of leisure, she will then give her body to him as her part of the bargain but NOT her heart. She must, however, convince her victim that she has fallen in love with him. Thats a crucial part of the con.
What distinguishes The Mercenary from The Queen Bee, is that there is, no matter how hollow and meaningless it may be, some tangible form of reciprocity given for the goodies that she gets. She does get intimate with her victim. (Although once a contract has been signed, i.e., marriage, the frequency of the intimacy often diminishes substantially.)
The Queen Bee, on the other hand, who is the subject of todays article, usually has a collection of several different men who provide her with goods and services and to whom she never gives more than a peck on the cheek. Her guy pals get to be her butler, banker and/or Mr. Fixit, but none of them ever gets to have a real relationship with her.
This tempestuous temptress plays dumb and acts as if she has no idea that the various guys in her orbit are attracted to her and are waiting and hoping that she will choose them to be her boyfriend. If shes ever asked about her relationship with one of them, shell say, Oh, hes a really great friend. When translated into English from Womanese this means: Hes one of my stooges.
The sick thing is that this is all perfectly fine with Ms. Me. As far as shes concerned, theyre all lucky to be able to spend time with her, and they deserve to pay for the privilege. They give. She takes. Thats the relationship. She keeps em comin back for more by being as warm and sweet as sun drenched honey on the outside. But her heart is as cold as a week old cadaver.
One could argue, that these guys who follow her bidding like indentured servants deserve what they get (or to be more precise what they dont get). But as my Cousin Sal, The Fish Love, would say, In the game of Love, there are no victims, only volunteers.
The problem is that these fellows have allowed themselves to be hypnotized into believing that their investment in time, money and energy is winning them points and helping to build the Queen Bees romantic Interest Level in them. But the opposite is true. The more hoops these guys jump through, the more the Q.B. chuckles with contempt for them. (Some of them wake up and save themselves from more abuse after only a few months of servitude. Others go on for years in a state of ignorance and denial like living zombies.)
The way to deal with this dangerous darling is to never get involved with her to begin with, no matter how beautiful she may be. Walk away from her the way youd walk away from a losing crap table in a Vegas casino.
Yes, if youre an advanced student, you could use The System to play with her head, give her a taste of her own medicine, and get her to give you some respect. But heres the problem. You wont be able to change the essentially corrupt nature of her character, and youd ultimately have to dump her anyway. Youd be much better off spending your time and energy courting a woman who is sweet and loving and giving.
Duncan, it sounds as if you may have had and experience in the past of playing the Queen Bees chump. But this time around, thanks to The System, you did the right thing. As they say in Australia - Good on ya! Men, let Duncans savvy handling of this situation be an inspiration to you all.
Remember, guys: if you dont play with the Queen
Bee, you cant get stung.
One thing I've noticed since I've started using your System is that most women would rather be right than happy. I work in a small office with a lot of married women. My social life often comes up as a topic of discussion because I go on a lot of dates (still looking for the girl with the right attitude). Its interesting how the women I work with have developed a "How dare he!" attitude towards me whenever I use a method I learned from you.
After a good first date, the next day I am always asked when I plan to call again. "In about a week", I tell them, which always infuriates these women. They call me a "Game player" or just plain old mean. Yeah, it's real mean to buy a girl dinner, make her laugh, and walk her to her door like a gentleman. They tell me I HAVE to call her in a day or so and tell her what a good time I had and how I can't wait to see her again. When I refuse, they lose it.
I get responses like "How is she gonna know if you like her?" My favorite answer to that is "Why in the world would I be taking her out, if I didn't like her?" Ironic how its girls who will go out with a guy that they have no interest in, but in their minds its the guy who must let the woman know how he feels about her from the start.
I watch time and time again as my female officemates give advice to the other two single guys in the office. When that advice inevitably blows up in those guys faces, the women never EVER take responsibility for screwing things up for the poor saps. But hey, I have to say that those guys deserve what they get for it for asking a woman for advice about another woman.
When I try to help these guys out, the women say "Don't listen to him, he hates women! He hates marriage!" Well if I'm such a rotten guy and they are so happy in their marriages, then why are they so interested in my social life?
I never mention that I am using your System. They would crucify me if they knew that. But I can't understand why they are so offended by what I do. I tell them that I am waiting a week to call to make myself more mysterious and intriguing to the girls I date. Well, my female office mates simply will not have it.
They think that I am doing these things simply for the glorification of my own ego or as some sort of punishment to all women. They refuse to acknowledge that these things would make THEM happy in their marriages if their husbands had the guts. I asked the one single girl at the office if a guy did all the things that I do, would it make her more interested in him. She said, get this, "Well yeah... but that doesn't mean he should do it." SAY WWHHATTT!!!!!
Has the "empowerment" of women really blinded them so much? Have Madonna and Oprah made it so important for a women to be in control that a guy is not allowed to do whatever it takes to make a girl like him more?
Simply put: Its their own fault that they can't find a gentleman. They fall for these cheeseball guys who throw corny line after corny line at them, like those loser dorks on "Friends". Then when the actions of these guys do not measure up to their sappy words, these women get heart broken and become more guarded and vow "Never to let a man control them again!!!"
Women in this country need to be re-educated more than ever! They need to take a look in the mirror and say, "There's nothing wrong with a man being a man." Only problem is, who's gonna tell them this, Oprah?
Colin who wants your input on this topic
The answer to your question is: Yes. As goofy as it might sound to some, its absolutely true that Oprah and Madonna have trained womenfolk to make being in control such a high priority that a guy, in their eyes, is not allowed to do whatever it takes to make a girl like him more. For a man to do anything as such is considered not only politically incorrect but politically illegal. (Although this Orwellian standard seems to apply only to the male gender.)
Apparently, its perfectly fine for women to have their dozens and dozens of monthly magazines with covers touting articles such as: "Seven Secret Strategies to Make Him Fall Hopelessly in Love With You" and "Love Spells - Advice from a White Witch Shows You How to Have Him Wrapped Around Your Little Finger In No Time." But if a man employs any strategy other than "Just be totally open and honest" to win a womans heart, then hes a game-playing, deceitful, manipulative, womanizing, user-abuser who cant be blamed and shamed enough. (And I thought the womens movement was supposed to be about equality!)
You, Colin, have been unfairly exposed to intense criticism in your work place for sharing that you deliberately do things to make the girls that you date, see you as more of a Challenge. But the flak that youve encountered would pale in comparison to what youd experience if you were to share what you shared, with a TV studio filled full of female Oprahites. Can you imagine the venom that would be spewed at you if you revealed, on camera, that you always waited a week to call a girl back after your first date with her? I mean they would be crying out to lynch you right then and there.
And heres the absurd thing. Those women have no comprehension that they want and need a man who uses "The System." You see, Colin, women are incredibly intuitive, so much more than men are, and yet amazingly, a majority of them are in ignorance and denial about what motivates them in love.
Most of Oprahs audience would dispute the value of Challenge and debate you on its efficacy till their last dying breath. Yet those very same women, would and will give their hearts to a man who embodies Challenge. Pretty weird, huh?
And as you mentioned, Colin, many, many women have been burned romantically due to their own poor choices. (Remember, everyone, its women, not men, who do the choosing in relationships.) Theyve chosen the selfish jerks, the flowery flatterers, the vapid pretty boys and the B.S.ing braggarts over the less glittery good guys with heart and soul. So theyre bitter, and they keep their hearts shut down as a way of protecting themselves. And when a woman is bitter, the idea of a man doing anything to empower himself in the courtship process is very threatening.
So the truth is that many women would simply rather remain pissed off at men than be happy. Theyre addicted to being in control and yet they secretly yearn for a man of integrity who will take control and keep them guessing for awhile. Their ticket out of this kind of no-win situation is to have the good fortune to date a man who is a serious student of "The System." That would be a consciousness and heart expanding experience that could woo the most bitter beauty, tame the most shrewish shrew and melt the heart of the queen of the Amazons. (Yes, even Madonna.)
As far as your work situation goes, heres my advice to you Colin. Youve shared enough about your dating strategies with the women in your office. It can be entertaining and educational to observe the responses of various females to Doc Loves controversial dating strategies, as long as youre willing to take the heat that goes along with it. But, as youve already surmised, if you were to share further details about "The System" with your female co-workers, they would, indeed "go ballistic" on you. And why get yourself embroiled in conflict and controversy at your workplace?
So next time they get in your face, just tell them what they want to hear, then smile and walk away. You dont need any more negativity from them.
Remember, guys: the key to women is Challenge, in spite
of what everyone says.
I wanted to talk about something you're very right about the media brainwashing of men in the area of romance. Heres a blatant example: I was watching Star Wars-Episode II on DVD recently. In this movie, the Jedi character, Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) and Senator Padme Amidala (Natalie Portman) fall in love.
But the way the film portrayed their courtship was, frankly, embarrassing. This guy poured out every insecurity, vulnerability and longing he had right in front of her face. "My soul is in torment because of you;" "I've been thinking of you everyday for 10 years;" "I cannot live without you! I mean this was some sickeningly sappy stuff.
Doc, it was excruciating to watch. Tough Jedi knight becomes p-whipped wimp in front of the most beautiful woman in the Galaxy. And worse, this method of courtship seemed, in this movie, to work like a charm. She falls straight into his arms, swooning! Does this guy have even a remote concept of Self-Control, or Challenge, which are the REAL guy qualities? Everyone else watching the film with me thought it was soooo romantic and heart warming. I sat there doing everything I could do to keep from upchucking!
Since this is a Sci- Fi film, a disproportionately large amount of men would see this film, one of the top grossing films ever. And how many men, especially young guys and teenagers, would get the impression that "tough" Jedi's ways of courting the girl is a great one? And might they try and repeat this with girls they like? After all, if it works for the cool Jedi Knight, it's got to work for them!
So, guys, don't listen to what the media says - they have no idea how proper relationships work, only idealized fantasies. Here's hoping that this brainwashing comes to an end soon, and The System gets to all guys everywhere in this and other Galaxies.
Dennis - who wants to warn his fellow warriors
Yeah man. I watched Star Wars Episode II, Attack of the Clones and I really enjoyed a lot the action scenes, but I agree with you. The romantic part of the story was not only vapid and embarrassingly stupid, but it was also filled with dangerous and destructive messages for men. To you Psych majors, it sucked.
If you had seen the film prior to having an understanding of The System, Dennis, you probably wouldnt have thought twice about the dysfunctional courtship style of the movies hero. Without having a reference point for the truth, the misleading subliminal messages would have sunk directly into your subconscious, sending you further down the road towards rejection and confusion in your love life. Fortunately, you had already awakened from the spell of media dis-information, and you were able to see things objectively.
Its discouraging to see this kind of pablum so shamelessly perpetrated upon the unsuspecting masses. But take heart, Dennis, in the fact that the lack of credibility in the romantic aspects of the film did not go unnoticed in the press. The films failings in this regard were so awesomely blatant that even the mainstream media took notice.
Many film critics commented that Hayden Christensen was woefully miscast as the romantic lead, that there was an utter lack of chemistry between him and Natalie Portman and that their intimate dialogue was horribly mundane and cliched. So, you see, Dennis, all is not lost. If it gets bad enough, people (at least some people) will say, Hey wait a minute, we dont buy this, its not entertaining and it insults our intelligence!
Still, I must point out that this ridiculous style of whining and begging as a method for successful courtship by the male lead in films is all too common. One of the most destructive relationship myths perpetrated by moviemakers over the past several decades is this: if you pour your guts out, shell fall in love with you. Confess your lovesick infatuation with her, tell her how you simply cannot live without her and shell be so impressed and flattered that her Interest Level will magically rise to match yours. Unfortunately, when a real man in the real world employs these strategies with a real woman, he comes out the loser, not the winner of her heart.
The sad thing is that theres no good reason on Gods green earth why the entire story of Attack of the Clones couldnt have been deeply inspiring and enlightening. Its supposed to be about a Heros Journey of empowerment, conquering evil and winning the heart of the most beautiful, awe-inspiring woman in the Galaxy.
What an incredible opportunity George Lucas wasted, not only to entertain but also to teach and inspire young men. All that technology, all that talent and all that money, and they cant come up with a credible, compelling story and a male lead who commands our respect. It boggles the mind! Wouldnt it have been wonderful if they actually had given the male dominated hordes of Sci-Fi fans a real Hero as a role model? Hopefully theyll learn from their mistakes, but dont count on it.
Remember, guys: kissing up only works in Hollywood.
Ive been reading your column for awhile now and its made me much more aware of when a guy whom Im dating is doing the right thing and when hes blowing it. Hopefully you wont label me as stuck up when I tell you that I am a very attractive woman and I have absolutely no shortage of men who want to take me out.
Since I broke up with my last boyfriend over a year and a half ago Ive been dating quite frequently. I go out on a date about twice a week on the average. (If I accepted all the proposals I get in an average week, Id be going out on a date every single night. But like most women, Im very choosy.
I have to tell you that Its very tough to find a guy who is a true gentleman and also a Challenge, as you say. Ive had dozens and dozens of experiences where Im initially quite attracted to and interested in a guy. I may even be very excited by the potential that I see with him. But by the end of the first date, and Im not talking about the third or fourth date. No, I mean after one date the guy has taken himself out of the running in one way or another. Over and over again this happens, and Im not being unreasonable. These guys really need your System.
Last week I went out with a hunky handsome professional athlete who at first seemed to be quite charming. But halfway into dinner he started telling about what a bitch his ex girlfriend was. When he asked me if I wanted to take a drive with him up the coast the following weekend, I told him that I couldnt because I had a previous engagement. He didnt have a clue that he did something to kill my Interest Level.
Two nights ago I went out with a commercial pilot, a very confident and manly man. He was also quite articulate and had fascinating stories to tell about his world travels. But when he put his hand on my knee for the third time, I was ready to cry out, Check please! So, Doc, I appreciate all that youre doing to help men learn how to conduct themselves. I think that most of these guys that Im encountering are basically good guys. All they need is some training. Im starting to send them to you whenever theyll listen. Maybe someday soon Ill find myself on a date with one of your students. That would be heavenly. Thanks for all your insights.
Harriet who is frustrated but hopeful
It is a jungle out there in the dating world, and both men and women must proceed through it with caution. Some of the dangerous creatures that men encounter in that jungle are the professional daters, the gold diggers, the time wasting flirters, the spoiled princesses and the ball busting feministas with a chip on their shoulders.
A sampling of the creepy creatures that women encounter in the Dating Jungle are the overly anxious, panting puppy dog, the misogynistic macho boy, the BS spewing braggart and the Wimpus Americanus.
Anyone who dates a lot, male or female, will ultimately encounter the full cast of characters; and Harriet, it sounds as if youve probably met up with most of them. What I appreciate about your letter is your earnestness. Youve taken the time to write and share about your experiences so that everyones awareness might be raised.
So, look, guys, and Im talking mainly to you newer readers who have yet to study and use The System. Youve got a lot of serious self examination and character building to do. Or, as they say in the Navy, Its time to shape up or ship out!Times a wasting. There are tons and tons of great women out there who are dying to have high interest in you. Youve just got to stop sabotaging the airliner of love before it gets off the ground.
Im going to make it real simple for you new recruits. Here are the top 5 things that you should never do on a first date. If you just get these first essential 5 and you never learn anything else, youll be way ahead of the pack. (For a comprehensive list see The System.)
All right men. There you have it. Now go out and field test these recommendations on your next few dates and report back to me.
Remember, guys: if you do whats right, she
cant get rid of you.
I am a very attractive, intelligent man with a sleek, sexy body that I enjoy flaunting at the gym. I must admit that I enjoy getting female attention and compliments without exerting any effort.
Please help me understand something, however. Sometimes I see a couple at the gym. Now the woman is a babe, but the guy she is with is a lump, what women call a "doughboy." I love the challenge of diverting the woman's attention away from her doughboy.
But why would a woman with great looks stay with a lumpy guy with no elegance or obvious sexual appeal. Is she non-sexual herself? Is she insecure? Or is she intimidated by male beauty and plays it safe? You would wonder why a woman who admires her looks and works out would want to risk having dumpy looking kids!
Sometimes I have engaged myself in scintillating flirting sessions with such a woman while her man is somewhere else. I always start to feel sorry for the guy when that happens. In one extreme (but rare) situation, a girl necked with me on the airplane for two hours during a night flight, and then upon arrival introduced me to her husband.
I would certainly consider pursuing such a woman from an attraction standpoint, but if she has the capacity to be disloyal like that, then I would rather not bother.
Bart who would like you to comment.
Well, youve presented some interesting questions, but first I have to take you to task. Something about you seems a bit off kilter, namely: when you say you enjoy flaunting your body, you sound like a chick.
If I were to lookup the definition of narcissist in the dictionary I know Id find something like this: 1) A person who is excessively fascinated with his or her own appearance. 2) That guy named Bart.
Dude, you seem to be quite taken with yourself. But your preoccupation with your looks is clouding your vision. You say you love the challenge of diverting a hot looking womans attention away from her doughboy. Let me ask you, Bart. Is there any reason for such a sleazy move, other than for your own ego gratification?
Your concept of the proper way to relate to your fellow human beings is rather, shall we say, immature and uncaring. This is where your mind goes when youre around your gym mates, getting off on trying to sabotage other peoples relationships? Youd be better off spending your time either taking your workout seriously, or at least hitting on women who arent attached.
Im not done yet. Let me give you a quote from one of the best selling books in history: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. Or, as my acupuncturist Dr. Lao would say, This kind of action make much bad Karma!
Why do these women choose a guy who isnt buff like someone such as yourself? Well, Bart, although to you, looks are everything, to a lot of people theyre not. Theyre only part of the equation. What you fail to see is that that Mr. Pie Man with the babe has other qualities that outweigh his lack of physical attractiveness. He may be incredibly talented and funny and fun to be with. Maybe hes extra confident with super high self-esteem and his woman finds those qualities more irresistible than anything. Maybe hes the best lover shes ever had.
And you know, just because a woman is super hot looking it doesnt mean that shes also super intelligent. Maybe Mr. Lumpy is extra brainy and she looks up to him because she has the brains of a ping pong ball. Maybe shes in love and isnt thinking that her kids will turn out lumpy too but rather that theyll have his brains and her own good looks. Or, possibly, hes her father figure and he makes her feel safe and secure, and to feel that way is her highest priority.
A less noble reason that a woman might be with a flabby guy is that she could be a mercenary who is just using him for his money and she cheats on him with guys she meets on airplanes. Or, she could be insecure or intimidated by male beauty, two things that you mentioned, Bart, and that would put her in the low self-esteem category.
The Bottom Line Factor says that is that there are a variety of reasons why any one woman might be with a particular guy. You never know until you give her the intensive, comprehensive interview.
But before I finish, Bart, let me mention that you should keep in mind that its not inconceivable that your perfect body will one day no longer be so perfect and youll find yourself wishing that you had found a woman who doesnt make physical appearance her highest priority. Take that idea as a jawbreaker and suck on it for awhile.
And if you dont want to wind up in a relationship with a woman who would be disloyal to you, then dont go around enabling women who have tendencies to be disloyal. To you Psych majors, what goes around comes around.
Remember, guys: looks might get it going but personality
and attitude keep it going.
Ive received great benefit from your advice about how to deal with women when they start interrogating you, which of course they often do. Over the past few years Ive been out with several different women who would pry and probe with very personal questions, even on the first date. I used to get so intimidated by them when theyd start in on me like that, but your coaching has changed the whole paradigm for me. Thank you doc!
Im writing hoping that you could share more about dealing with this from the other side of the equation. Is it ever a good idea for a man to give his date an intensive quiz of some type? And what would be the crucial things that he should ask her? Are there direct questions that a guy could ask a girl to quickly and easily pre-qualify her, so to speak, and determine if shes a gold digger or a high-maintenance nut case or a professional dater?
Jerry who would like a list of questions
Too often, men allow themselves to be pressured and intimidated by womens confrontational questions. They get flustered and often find themselves putting their foot in their mouth before they know whats happened. But rather than take the beating, you can take charge. Your date may be coming on like a determined district attorney who will settle only for the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but that doesnt mean, guys, that you have to succumb like a guilty school boy.
There are a couple different ways to take control. One is to deflect and redirect the focus of the conversation by using humor. She asks you, So, have you ever been married? and you say, Yes I have. In fact, Im married now. I have six wives, but I could use one more. Would you like to be number seven? If we leave right now we could be in Vegas in about six hours.
Another way to deal with the inquisitional pressure is to take the direct approach and fire the probing and provocative inquiries right back at her. She asks you, So whats the longest relationship youve ever had? and you say, Six years, seven months and two and two thirds weeks. How about you? What was your longest relationship?
Here is a list of the Top Ten questions you can ask your date which will keep her on her toes and also garner you some very useful information. Just, remember. Do not always accept the first answer you get to each of these questions. Often, the truth will only be revealed after you ask more intensive follow up questions to the original. So, dont be in a hurry to get to the next question on the list. As they say down on the farm, Youve got to milk it!
Also, keep in mind that all women by nature are inquisitive. A woman who is in touch with her femininity and who has a high level of interest in a man will ask him personal questions about himself. Shell want to draw him out. Thats a good thing. You want her to be curious about you. But you dont want her to be pressuring you.
So its important to learn the distinction between when a woman is being curious versus confrontational. (Often its the tone she uses when she asks a particular question that lets you know which is which.) Save the heaviest and most serious questions on this list (6-10) for those times when your date is being confrontational. Questions 1-5 can be used when she starts asking you provocative questions about relationships but still isnt trying to put you in the hot seat.
And heres another important point about communication between the sexes. Women are generally much better listeners than men are. A lot of you guys need to improve your listening skills. As on overall policy, you should be asking your date interesting meaningful questions about herself, questions that you genuinely want to know the answer to. One of the biggest complaints that women have about men is that they go on and on about themselves and hardly ask a date anything about herself.
And one last caveat. HANDLE WITH CARE! Dont ask any of these questions unless you are also prepared to answer the same or similar ones yourself.
Remember, guys: when she puts the pressure on,
youve got to fire back.
Dear Doc Love,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. Hes a great guy, very loving, respectful and affectionate and and hes funnier than Jim Carey. He has also been a longtime practitioner of The System since before we met and can frequently be found sharing Doc Love'isms with guys who are struggling to make and keep a love connection. So I'm pretty familiar with your philosophy and am writing to share an insight about one of its principles.
"Women love a Challenge" seems to be at the heart of your love advice, and with that in mind, you advise men to refrain from expressions of praise or love in the early stages of a relationship. I agree, to a large degree. If a man who has only known me for a short time rhapsodizes about my beauty and professes his undying love, I feel like I'm being conned. He obviously hasn't known me long enough to truly love and appreciate me.
But once a relationship moves beyond dating into committed, long-term status, the dynamics on how and what to verbalize to a woman change BIG TIME. This is the crux of what I'd like to pass onto your readers who are interested in KEEPING the woman they may have initially attracted.
So listen up guys. What I'm about to share is actually a revelation for me as well. Because, guess what? You aren't alone in feeling you don't understand women. We women are often just as mystified about our needs as you are. It's taken me many years to fathom the primal wants of my womanhood.
Here is a simple truth I've discovered about women that, if practiced, will keep the romance alive and well for many years to come: Women respond very powerfully to sincere, specific verbal expressions of love, appreciation and desire. Why? Because women tend to be REFLECTIVE. Whatever you focus on and express to her, she will mirror back to you and become more of. For instance, the more you see her special beauty, appreciate it and express it to her, the more beautiful she will become. The more you appreciate and express how sexy and desirable she is, the more passionate and desirable she will become. The more you acknowledge her special qualities, the more those qualities will magnify and bless your life.
When you SPEAK your appreciation to a woman, it becomes more real and alive to her. The way to a woman's heart may very well be through her EARS! And also her skin. CONNECT with her when you are speaking. Rather than a peck on the cheek and a quick "love you" as you walk out the door, hold her and look into her eyes when you say I Love You. Also, be SPECIFIC. Tell her how you love the curve of her hips, how her waist feels under your hands, how lovely she looks in blue.
And one last tip: The written word carries extra voltage for a woman. Most women I know would rather receive a page of love poetry written by her man, or a card with a paragraph of hand written appreciation than she would a diamond necklace.
In short, verbally EXPRESS your love, (in addition to all the wonderful ways that you already DEMONSTRATE love), with sincerity, sensuality and specificity, and you will have a glowing, giving goddess gracing your life.
Caprice who loves sweet nothings
Great letter. And congratulations, you have the good fortune to be in a relationship with a man who religiously practices The System. A man who is confident, takes charge, gives you plenty of affection and keeps you laughing to boot. A real man who is neither a wimp nor a macho boy.
Most women have to compromise when they pick a partner. They have to choose between a guy who is either strong but has little or no sensitivity OR, a guy who is sensitive and affectionate but is lacking testosterone. But because youre in a relationship with one of my boys, you get the best of both worlds. Lucky you!
Since youve taken the time and effort to write to me about a womans need for verbal acknowledgement, it must be an issue for you in your own relationship, Caprice. Your boyfriend believes in Challenge so strongly because he knows that it was a major factor in his successfully capturing your heart. Understandably, he is probably thinking, Why should I become less of a Challenge by getting all mushy? Being a Challenge is what got me to where I am today: in a relationship with an incredible woman.
But, as a student of The System, he should also know that in order to keep you over the long haul, he must provide you with respect, affection and romance. Apparently youre getting plenty of affection and respect from him, but not the exact form of romance that you require in order to be deliriously happy in your relationship.
Your guy needs to gain a better understanding of what romance means to you. It sounds to me as if he is consistently demonstrating his love for you with his actions but he might be deficient in the verbal expression department. If hes hasnt been, he should be complimenting you and verbally acknowledging you on a regular basis, just as you should be doing the same for him.
He should be surprising you with thoughtful little love notes or poems every once in a while. (As long as he does those kinds of things for you less often than you do them for him. If he started doing them for you more often than you do them for him, then he wouldnt be a Challenge and your Interest Level in him would begin to diminish. On the other hand, If hes never doing any of that for you, then hes not following The System completely.)
And as far as the I love yous go, your man should be periodically telling you that he loves you. A woman does need to hear those words from her man. Its an essential part of the romantic experience. But once again, he should be saying that to you less often than you say it to him. And, he certainly should never be parroting it back to you whenever you say it to him. Thats not romantic!
Overall, your boyfriend, Caprice, must keep in mind that a man should never give a woman EVERYTHING she wants because doing that will leave her with nothing else to discover, nothing to chase, no mystery. If you dont believe what Im saying just ask the average divorced guy why his wife left him and hell tell you, I dont know what happened, I gave her everything she asked for!
So you see Caprice, in one sense, its good that youre slightly frustrated. The challenge for your man is to find that perfect balance between giving and holding back so that you are feeling cherished and adored and yet still not COMPLETELY fulfilled. Even though this might not make sense to you, (as you mentioned, women have difficulty understanding themselves) this is whats going to keep your Interest Level sky high over the long haul.
Words are powerful and romantic words, when used with discretion, can certainly enhance intimacy. The key is to never use flowery or sensual verbiage to try to raise a womans Interest Level. Use it only when her Interest Level is already off the charts. Then your words become a love offering rather than an appeal for approval.
Remember, guys: theres a reason why women swoon
over the strong silent type.
I live in Chicago where I work as a mortgage broker. Im 35 years old. Ive been divorced for only about 6 months now and I have full custody of our 6-year-old daughter. (Her mother went off the deep end and is now in a residential drug rehabilitation program for the third time around.)
Now that Ive gotten past a lot of the pain and disappointment over the failure of my marriage Im ready to start dating again. Also, fortunately Ive finally found a baby sitter that I can trust, so Ill be able to go out for an entire evening and not have to be checking in every hour.
My problem is that its been almost eight years since I last went out on a date, and I dont have a lot of confidence in my skills with women. I feel like it would be so easy for me to wind up doing something stupid. The idea of going out somewhere with the specific purpose of meeting women seems rather daunting at this point.
But my buddy told me that you are Da Man when it comes to dating. So do you have any helpful hints for a divorced dad whos just starting to date again?
Thanks, Garth who needs coaching
Sorry to hear about your ex-wife. Your unfortunate experience with matrimony should remind all mankind of the importance of fully and accurately evaluating the character of any potential mate prior to tying that knot thats not so easily untied. To you psych, majors, after you say I do, its too late.
I understand your trepidation about getting back in the dating game. As far as dating goes, youve been in suspended animation for almost a decade, dude. Yes, youve been out of the proverbial loop, Garth, and we need to give you some basic training so that you dont get creamed out there. Starting from square one, as you are, Its pretty darned easy to end up having your cojones handed to you on a platter before you even know whats happened. Yes, Its a jungle out there, Garth, but Im going to give you a map to find your way through it and emerge not only unscathed but triumphant. That map is called The System. So get it and study it diligently. In the meantime, here are some ideas for you.
Theres absolutely no reason to throw yourself directly into the lions den by going out to bars and clubs to try to meet women. To succeed in those kinds of environments you really have to be on your game, and I think it would just be too awkward and stressful for you.
But, Internet dating would be perfect for you. Every month, more and more people are joining Internet dating services. Men used to far outnumber women on those sites, but in the last couple of years, things have really shifted. One of the most popular dating sites has become so successful that theyre now running clever, big budget ads on prime-time television, making Internet dating even more popular and socially acceptable.
Internet dating is easy and convenient. You can check out hundreds of potential candidates while you sit in your favorite chair in the comfort of your home. And here are a couple of quick Internet dating tips: Never write more than four e-mails back and forth before you close for an in person meeting with the woman youre communicating with.
And dont spend any more time than thirty minutes with any woman on your first meet for coffee date. If the two of you arent hitting it off, spending a half an hour is just long enough to make you look as if youre not eager to get the hell out of there, even if you are. If the two of you are really clicking and you know that youd like to meet her again, when you bow out gracefully after half an hour, youll be a real Challenge in her eyes, and you will be laying the groundwork for her to fall for you.
There is something else that divorced Dads in particular should keep in mind when they are out on a date. Whether its the first informal coffee meeting or the tenth date, the number one most important rule is this: Do not under any circumstances talk about your ex wife. Divorced dads have a terrible habit of pouring their guts out about how their ex did them wrong and how its affected the children and how their capacity to trust has been lost etc. etc. etc. Doing this only makes you look like a resentful loser who doesnt know how to have a good relationship.
So even if your date demonstrates great concern and curiosity about what you might have been through in your past relationships, you must steer the conversation elsewhere, regardless of how much you may be comforted and encouraged by the fact that someone is offering a sympathetic ear. If you need someone to listen to you while you recount the painful episodes of your failed marriage, go hire a therapist, or, if youre on a budget, a priest or a rabbi will do the trick.
Whenever youre out on with a date, keep the conversation positive and upbeat. When youre back home after having had a successful meeting with one of your new relationship candidates, the moments that you will savor and look back on with fondness will be the ones where you kept it light and fun.
Remember, guys: the less she knows about you, the more
curious she will be about you.
I need your advice. Two weeks ago I met this girl Dusty while we were both waiting in a long line at the bank. She was chewing gum so I said to her, You chew gum really well! She cracked up at that. The conversation flowed easily from that point. I kept it light and positive as you suggest and got her phone number just before the teller looked at me and said. Next in line.
This all happened in less than ten minutes. Pretty good, huh? Since Ive been seriously studying and practicing The System over the last three months, Ive gotten really comfortable and confident with your closing process.
When I asked Dusty for her phone number, she eagerly wrote it down for me before I could even get my pen out of my pocket; and she also said, Ill be out of town for a few days, but Ill be back home on Sunday by 7:00 or so. (Sounds like really high Interest Level so far, wouldnt you say, Doc?)
I called her on Monday. (I figured Id be more of a Challenge if I waited an extra day). She seemed excited to hear from me, and I made a date to pick her up on Thursday night for dinner and dancing at this new club downtown.
Then, on Wednesday night, the night before our date, just as I was about to hit the sack right around 10:30, she calls. She said that had gone jogging in the park the night before and had gotten caught in the rain and got chilled and was now is starting to feel like she was getting a bad cold.
She said that she waited until the last minute to call me to see if taking lots of vitamin C and herbs would nip it in the bud but that she was now actually feeling worse. She said she knew that she just wouldnt be in any condition to go out let alone go dancing and that she was also afraid that I might catch something from her and that she didnt want to make me sick.
She sounded really sorry and disappointed and said that she definitely wanted to reschedule as soon as shes out of the woods so to speak. I said that I was sorry that she wasnt feeling well and that we should talk when shes feeling better.
So what do you think, Doc? Is she on the up and up, and how do you think I should handle this?
Reed who wants to know what you think
First, let me compliment you for being so bold and resourceful. That gum chewing line was great. Very creative. You took something that was going on in the immediate environment and parlayed it into a funny. Learning to think on your feet like that is part of what it takes to become what I call a Three-Percenter. (One of the 3% of guys who have true mastery with women.)
You could have said the same thing to a different woman, and she would have given you the cold shoulder; but your miss Dusty liked your wit and thats all that counts. You took the shot, and you hit the bullseye. You made a connection with and got a viable home phone number from a woman who was a complete stranger. Not an easy thing to do. Great work.
And, yes, I do concur with your initial analysis that this gal was demonstrating a high level of interest in you. Why do I say that? When she reached for a pen before you could even locate yours, that was significant. But the strongest positve flag she revealed was that she gave you a very specific time to call her so that you would be able to reach her easily. To you psych majors, women help you when they like you.
In spite of all that, it was still a smart move on your part to not call her on the exact day and time that she suggested. If you call precisely when a woman suggests after you first meet her, its to easy to come off as obedient and boring. While you waited that extra day to call, Reed, Dustys Interest Level in you was rising because you added in an extra sprinkle of that magical mystery dust: Challenge.
Now lets get to the meat of the matter. Is she really sick OR as they do at Burger King, is she trying to sell you a whopper? Short of stalking her or sending a medical team over to examine her, we cant know for certain one way or another. But due to the strength of her initial buying signals, were going to give her two things: the benefit of the doubt and another chance.
At the same time, just to let her know that you didnt buy her excuse 100% and that you know that she might have made the whole thing up, were going to add extra time before we call her and make another date. The idea is to wait beyond the time that she would realistically be over her cold, at least two weeks. (If she gets better quickly and is chompin at the bit to go out with you, she can always pick up the phone.)
If you call her too soon, Reed, youll be indirectly telling her that its all right to jerk you around. So for now, put her on the back burner and keep getting more phone numbers. Youve obviously got the level of confidence required. Go get em Tiger!
Remember, guys: you dont know whats what
until you get past 60 days with her.
Early this month I had a date of which I really dont know what to think. This girl, Renee, had been giving me very strong buying signals, so I got her number. Eight days later I called, asked her out for Saturday (weekdays were unavailable to me), and she responded enthusiastically, and even laid bare her schedule that day! (Most girls give me evasive doublespeak.)
She offered an evening date, but I set up a time for early afternoon instead. She showed up with Prussian precision to a convenient meeting place, and we had a fun chat. My dad told me, The less said the better, so I kept the conversation on fun topics such as things that would interest us both. She seemed smart, fun, and good-natured, as well as pretty.
Afterwards, we went to see a performance at the music school nearby. Thats when things got weird. After we sat down, Renee got a girlfriend of hers to join us, and she basically tuned me out. I acted as if I didnt care what she did and kept my attention on the performance. At the reception, she continued to ignore me and to joke around with her girlfriend. They both were even talking and flirting with other guys!
I served myself some refreshments and talked to other people, even though this was really bothering me. When I was ready to go, I told her I was going we teased each other a bit, and then I gave her a hug and then left.
I figured she must have low Interest Level and was a Professional Dater, even though the date cost me zilch. I cant imagine that a girl would have high Interest Level in a guy and do what she did. On the other hand, a week later, I bumped into her girlfriend and another guy from her class and kidded around with the girlfriend. As I left, the guy kind of grumbled at me, Renee says hi. Im guessing this would suggest high Interest Level.
I wouldnt expect a girl to get a guy to tell me hello for her if she wasnt interested in me! This was at the end of the last semester, and now its Spring break. I dont know if I should dump her. On the other hand, a little voice in my head was going, This is a test. What do you think?
Wayne who wants to know if hes being tested
Ok. Lets go over this. When you first asked this girl out you should have made it for Sunday rather than Saturday. In a womans mind, there is a huge difference between those two days. Saturday is the day that you reserve for your number one gal, either your girlfriend or the girl whos got the top position in your roster. Women know that. So when youre first getting to know a girl and you ask her out for a Saturday, you are letting her know that youve got no other prospects. Not good. This is something youll want to handle properly with the next woman.
You also should have told her that you would pick her up at her home for the date rather than meeting her. If she had insisted that you meet her somewhere and didnt want you to come to her home, then you could have screened her out immediately, before this wild goose chase ever got started. To you psych majors, girls with low Interest Level dont want you to know where they live.
By the way, youre lucky to have a dad who knows at least a thing or two about women. I like what he told you about The less said the better. Its a rare father who actually passes on any meaningful wisdom to his son about women.
Now, even though this girl exhibited some initial strong buying signals, she disqualified herself as a candidate for Girlfriend of Wayne when she pulled that little stunt with her gal pal and then started flirting with other guys. The audacity! She about as classy and courteous as a bouncer at a biker bar.
There are a few different ways you could have handled the situation,Wayne. One option would have been to follow the philosophy that says: once your date starts disrespecting you (and rubbing it in your face as Renee did), you leave. Over and out. You could have simply said, (facetiously) Thanks for the fun date, and then exited and left her there baffled and bewildered. To have done that would have been entirely appropriate.
Or, option two: right then and there you could have started talking to her girlfriend and dominating the conversation, all the while ONLY talking to her girlfriend and ignoring her. That would also have sent a strong message.
Option three: once she started running her number, you could have immediately started hustling other women and gotten their phone numbers whilst skillfully positioning yourself so that Renee saw you.
Unfortunately, after she pulled all this crap, you gave her a hug, which sanctioned her rude behavior. Dis me, and youll get a hug was the message you gave her.
All right, lets tie it all up here. I agree with you. Women test men, constantly and relentlessly. But when that guy, a third party, told you that Renee says hi, that meant . zip. As Judge Judy would tell you, Its hearsay. We dont know if that guy was telling the truth or not. We dont know if your date really said that or not. But even if she did, its no basis for pursuing further contact with her. Shes OUT, forever, and Good riddance I say.
So, Wayne, heres your report card for your recent field trip assignment in Doc Loves Training School. You did great when you waited eight days to call this gal. You were right on the money when you kept the conversation light and positive. But when she threw a curve ball at you, you lost your focus. Thats ok. Youre still learning The System and I dont expect you to have figured this all out in the heat of battle. Continue studying and keep in mind that each one is practice for the next one, until you find THE ONE.
Remember, guys: if a girl doesnt treat you right on
a first date, theres no reason to have a second date
I work out in a gym that is loaded with hot chicks. I let them eye me first and I dont stare at them. Of course I learned this technique from you. I notice other guys trying to get close to them by saying dumb things, but I keep my mouth shut.
Theres a drop dead gorgeous woman I see a there a lot who is married, and I kid with her. I let her know from the beginning that I was not coming on with her, so she feels real comfortable with me and we talk frequently.
The fun thing is that I notice the other women in the place stare when I make her laugh. (Like you say Doc, keep em laughin.) I know that some of them have become curious about me. You can almost hear what theyre thinking: Hmm, whats the story with that guy? That woman who seems to be so charmed by him sure is beautiful.
In fact, theres this other fox there named Kristen who had initiated a conversation with me after she saw me making the married gal laugh. I wasnt sure if she was just being friendly or if she had any romantic interest in me. So, as you recommend, when the timing was right I closed her to find out where I stood with her. Heres how it went down:
Me [Smiling]: "So, Kristen, What's your home phone number?"
Me. [Smiling, turning to leave] "It's been a pleasure talking to you Kristen. See you next time. (I knew from what youve taught me that when a girl gives me an answer like that instead of her phone number that Ive already gone down in flames.)
Kristen: "I can't date you because I have a boyfriend. But, like, we could hang out. I don't have a lot of friends..."
I just didn't know how to respond to that. But Id like to have a great comeback for when and if a girl says something like that to me again. I feel like maybe I blew it somehow. If Id had a better comeback maybe Id have gotten her number. So, Doc, any hints or tips about this particular scenario would be greatly appreciated.
Chad - who wants to know what he, should have said back to her
First of all, realize that the most important thing is not whether you got her home phone number or not. The most important thing is that you ASKED for it. As they say in sales, you asked for the order. Thats what counts. So many guys just dont have the sense of commitment or the courage to ask a girl point blank for her home phone number.
But you did it, Chad, and you did it in a calm, confident, self-assured manner. You didnt beg like a Teddy Bear Guy when you asked and you didnt act pissed off like an out - of - control Macho Boy when she turned you down. So you get an A from the Doc on this one. Congrats!
Also realize that once a woman makes it clear that she has no romantic interest in you by giving you some kind of smoke-screen-type answer, then theres essentially nothing you can do in that instant to suddenly raise her Interest Level. As my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, If her feelings are below the 50 yard line, youre outta' there!
But, Chad, in a situation like that, you CAN confidently throw in a clever zinger that will raise her level of RESPECT for you when she does her - saying NO without really saying NO routine. To you Psych majors, youve got to go out smokin.
When you asked her for her phone number and she said Why? you could have said, Because I want to show you all the fun that youve been missing out on.
When she said, I cant date you because I have a boyfriend you could have said, with a twinkle in your eye, What if I send him on an all- expenses-paid vacation to Miami Beach for two weeks? Will you go out with me then? Or, You know you dominate him, and youre bored, so why are you still with him?
When she said, But, like, we could hang out, I dont have a lot of friends, you could have said, As soon as you get rid of your boyfriend Ill be happy to be your friend. Or, Why is it that people dont want to get close to you? That one would be guaranteed to twist her head around.
But, Chad, I dont want you to be obsessing on what you could have or should have done. You did great because, as I said, you asked for the order. Just keep studying and practicing. And keep closing when you know that the timing is right.
Remember, guys, without respect from a woman you have
After studying your System over the past four months, Ive come to realize, thankfully, how lost and confused Ive been. I feel like the character, Neo, that Keanu Reeves played in the movie The Matrix. He had no idea that he was living in a trance-induced false reality until Morpheus showed him what the truth was. You, Doc, are my Morpheus.
I used to buy whatever women told me. I wanted so badly to be liked by them. I felt like I was always on the defensive and I would do whatever they wanted me to do to try to prove that I was a good guy. But as I look back now with my vision de-fogged, its obvious that trying to be nice never got me anywhere as far as true romance goes.
Even the dating advice I was getting from my well meaning female friends was misleading and contradictory. Id follow their advice and then experience only more rejection from the women I was dating.
Now Im seeing the light, and as the light shines more brightly a lot of anger is coming up inside of me. Theres so much hypocrisy out there! Women complain about men who never call, but those same women regularly give out their phone numbers to men whom they have no intention of ever going out with.
Women say they want to be treated as equals yet they expect the man to always be the one to put his ego on the line and risk rejection. They whine and moan about how they want a guy who is emotionally available and who is in touch with his feelings yet they consistently fall for the selfish jerks who never express any genuine tender feelings.
I know that all of this is no news to you, Doc. I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate your reality-based, non-politically correct advice. Youve catalyzed a profound awakening in my awareness. The next step for me is to get past all this resentment and find a sweet, loving woman who I have mutual high Interest with.
In the meantime, Doc, I was hoping maybe that you could give me a quick pep talk to help me deal with this anger and resentment. I figure that its probably just a stage that a lot of guys go through when they first start to wake up, so Im sure you have dealt with this problem before. Any encouragement you can give me would be very much appreciated.
Richard who is really pissed off
As they say in the 12-step programs, youve been in denial, dude, and denial aint just a river in Egypt. Yes, my brother, you are becoming de-programmed and the process can be quite unsettling at first. Just realize that its completely normal and natural to feel a lot of anger and resentment at this point in your journey to Mastery.
And as strange as it might sound, I encourage you to not resist your anger. Thats right. I want you to welcome it, all of it. Your anger and resentment are going to motivate you to stay disciplined and committed to doing the right thing and never getting seduced back into your old self-destructive habits.
At the same time, you need to understand that you cant blame women for all the frustration that you had been experiencing. Youve got to take responsibility for your own experience. There was no law that mandated: YOU MUST OBEY THE INSTRUCTIONS OF ALL FEMALES. You didnt have to buy into the big lie. You had a choice. So youre probably angry at yourself as well being angry at the entire female species. Thats OK.
All right. Onward and upward to a brighter tomorrow. Lets just quickly review and analyze your major gripes.
In case you havent totally gotten it by now, Richard, let me emphasize that, for a man, seeking dating advice from well meaning female friends is, as Shakespeare would say, a fools errand. Men tend to think that if they consult a female ally for dating advice that theyre getting valuable, helpful information. Unfortunately, most of the time, the exact opposite is true.
The classic scenario comes to mind of the guy describing to his gal pal how he is in love with a woman whom hes been out with four or five times and how he doesnt know what to do to find out where he stands with her. The gal pal says, Oh, youve got to tell her how you feel. What are you afraid of? Tell her how you feel about her!
So the guy follows his female buddys suggestion, and then of course his potential soul mates Interest Level in him plummets. Then he wonders what the hell happened. What happened was that he mistakenly believed that when it comes to love and romance, women understand their own motivations. They dont.
And yes, Richard, wouldnt it be a wonderful brave new world if women started sharing equally in the risk of rejection involved in the dating process? Well, guess what? It aint gonna happen. The way it is is the way nature designed it to be.
The male is the initiator. The female holds the rejection card. (She has the veto power.) Thats the way it is and thats the way its going to be 100 years from now. So step up to the plate, Richard, and learn to love it. Once you gain more confidence in using my strategies and principles, you will become a lot more comfortable with the process.
Im glad that you now understand that 99% of the time, when a woman says I dont give out my number, but give me yours and Ill call you. that thats a steaming pile of B.S. But once again, thats just what a lot of women do. Thats reality. And when you argue with reality you always lose, but only 100% of the time.
And of course women do frequently choose jerks over the nice guys. But the woman who has the character traits that you want in a mate will want a guy whos tough and strong and whos also genuinely sensitive and soulful on the inside. Your job is to just become the best man that you can be. Then you will magnetize a quality woman into your life.
So, Richard, dont take all the apparent female hypocrisy personally. Its just part of their social programming. The way that the game is set up. How do you deal with all of it? As my acupuncturist, Dr. Lao, would say, The happy man, Grasshopper, lets the cold water roll off his back like a duck
Remember, guys: dont take women personally
Recently, after I had a few dates with a very attractive woman, she began appearing to me as unusually self-centered and inconsiderate yet weirdly clingy and coming across as though our relationship was MUCH more intimate than it actually was. She kissed me on the first date and did almost everything else correctly, sometimes too correctly, but I kept noticing odd things about her attitude.
I started wondering if there was a clinical diagnosis for the tendencies that she was exhibiting. So I did a web search using these keywords: "self-centered, inconsiderate personality" just to see what would come up. The results blew me away.
I discovered that this girl had "Histrionic/Narcissistic Personality Disorder" She met all five of the criteria for the disorder: 1) Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements) 2) Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love - believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions) 3) Requires excessive admiration - has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations. 4) Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends - lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others. 5) Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her - shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
When I related these symptoms to some of my buddies, they observed that "this sounds like every woman in the world". It would certainly describe most beautiful women. You see Doc? Heres scientific data supporting your idea that The Beautiful Woman is the most dangerous creature on the planet.
Another site gave hints and tips on how to deal with someone in your life who has this disorder, and here's the kicker: In many ways your "System" mirrored the tips given on that psychology site and perfectly describe the best way to deal with someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder!
I just thought that youd enjoy knowing that the scientific/psychology community validates your principles and strategies. Pretty interesting dont ya think Doc?
Ray - who wants to know how you would call it
Let me commend you on the fruitful fact finding mission youve completed. Good work. Youve come up with some very interesting info.
As you know, Im no psychiatrist. I got a D in my psychology class at Fresno State. But I was always interested in understanding why a woman chooses to stay with one man versus another. The way I found the answer to that question was by pounding the pavement and interviewing over 10,000 women over a couple of decades. This is how The System was born.
In the course of my exhaustive research, I learned a lot of things that I never learned in books. And besides my earth shaking discovery of the principles of Challenge and Interest Level, theres another thing I discovered: Any woman can have a problem personality, but the more beautiful a woman is, the more likely she is to be a spoiled, self centered high-maintenance head case. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, Its the lookers who are all the trouble.
Fortunately, there are beautiful women out there who are loving and giving and are also clinically sane. My job, as your relationship coach, is to help you weed out the loonies from the lovelies before you say I do. Or as the Bible says, to separate the wheat from the chaff
But before we get to Doc Loves prescription for the week, allow me to rant for a moment. America has the know-how to crack the DNA code but we dont have the smarts to make a dent in our 50% divorce rate. In over thirty years the numbers havent budged!
But, one way that men as a gender could make a difference in these disheartening statistics would be to adopt a healthy selection criterion when choosing a mate. Men are generally not objective, nor are they discriminating when it comes to affairs of the heart. To you Psych majors, they leap before they look. But men can learn to play it smart and thereby increase their chances of success in the game of love.
The idea is that if any particular babe that youre dating has any or all of the destructive character traits on that list, Ray, then you want to determine that as soon as possible, before you get in too deep, (either emotionally, financially or even just in terms of time spent.) So while you are with her during her initial probationary couple of months, you must look for what I call Flags.
Flags, in this context, are subtle or sometimes not so subtle, telltale signs that your date is a self-absorbed user who does not qualify as a long term relationship material. Here are some of the most common flags that you will see:
ONE: She fails to exhibit any genuine curiosity about you, your life and whats important to you. For example, while youre sharing about your passion for helping save whales, you can feel how shes preoccupied and just waiting for you to finish talking so she can tell you more about her.
TWO: She constantly name drops and brags about her professional accomplishments. You know the type. Shes convinced that she going to be famous and soon and she wants you to know all about it.
THREE: Shes treats service people as sub-human. When youre out having dinner together, she orders your waiter around the way the cruel stepsisters did with Cinderella. (Always observe how she treats the hired help. It will tell you a lot about her character.)
FOUR: She keeps asking probing questions, attempting to determine how much money you make. One of my students recently told me how his date, on their second night out together, asked him: So whats the most expensive gift youve ever given a woman?
The Narcissistic woman always has a hidden agenda, along with a severe deficiency in the integrity department. The problem is that most men dont pick up on these things because their own high Interest Level blinds them to reality.
Remember, guys: youve got to be on the lookout for
Your coaching has really helped me transform my past Wimpus Americanus personality more towards being a gentleman. Though I have made too many mistakes that scared off some terrific women, I have put those behind me and have moved onto better adventures.
Here's some key advice for other guys who are working on getting their psyche toward becoming a gentleman. It is important that newly transformed gentlemen avoid meeting women in situations where there is too much competition. If there is too much competition, a gentleman's confidence will take a hit unless he savors a difficult challenge.
Here are, in my opinion, the four BEST places to meet women with virtually NO competition.
1) Volunteer Activities: Every volunteer activity I have participated in for the past five months has always been 90 percent women and 10 percent men. A woman's interest level will rise when she sees a guy volunteering his time for others.
2) Singles Cruises: I've been on three singles cruises, and the ratio has always been 75% women and 25% men. All the women I've talked to complained that most of the men they meet on singles cruises are either too soft and polite or are egomaniacal jerks. So, being a gentlemen and a Challenge will attract more women than any guy could shake off.
3) Any aerobics class in athletic clubs, especially the advanced classes. The ratio has always been about 90 percent women and 10 percent men. Most times I was the ONLY guy in the class, at least here in the Midwest. But here is an important tip: Do NOT take a spot in the front two rows.
Most women are "territorial" in aerobics classes. If a gentleman takes a woman's favorite workout spot in an aerobics class, that is Taboo. Also the front two rows are reserved for the "inner circle" group that is like a high school clique. YIKES! These women are rarely givers and are takers with a capital T. Usually the center left or center right of class is the best location to work out and all the women I've met in these locations have all three key characteristics you say to look for (integrity, flexibility and giving).
4) Wine tasting clubs: The ratio has always been 75 percent women and 25 percent men. And as you can imagine, its incredibly easy to meet and talk to any woman in this kind of situation.
Hope you and your readers find this helpful. Thank you again for all your advice and coaching.
Johnny who wants to help his fellow men
Thanks. My readers can definitely benefit from the research that youve done out there in the trenches.
If youre a single man and you want to find a mate, one thing is for certain. You aint gonna meet anyone sitting at home glued to your computer terminal indulging your addiction to SimCity 4. Thats right, guy. How are you ever going to find the woman of your dreams if you lie there sprawled on the couch night after night eating cheese nachos and watching reruns of The Howard Stern Show? Youve got to get up off your gluteus maximus, Dude, shower and shave and head out there into the real world where the real women are.
Trolling for babes is always work to a greater or lesser degree, but what I want you guys to do is to work smart not hard. Johnny has some great points here. Why beat your head against the wall trying to meet women at bars and nightclubs where men outnumber women, the women have all their defenses up and you cant hear each other talk anyway?
Why go anywhere to meet women where the odds are stacked against you? Better to go places where youve got much more than a just a fighting chance. In fact, why not put yourself in environments where meeting women is as easy as finding hay in a haystack.
Then, within the parameters of places that are sure fire and user-friendly, find, what they refer to in the in the record business as; your groove. By that I mean, the particular places and situations where you can easily meet women and where you also feel relaxed, confident, comfortable and true to your own interests.
For example, Yoga classes are a great place to meet women where the odds are stacked in your favor, but you may hate the idea of having to contort yourself into the shape of a pretzel on the chance that you might meet your soul mate. So dont be a martyr. Find a different venue thats overstocked with females, like a Latin dance class for instance, where you can meet babes and enjoy yourself at the same time.
Now, Johnny, lets go over your list.
Volunteer Activities. This is, indeed, a great place to meet women. Not only will females outnumber males, but here you will also find women with character and integrity who are true givers. To you Psych majors, Gold Diggers dont do volunteer work.
Singles Cruises. In this environment, of course, you will need to suspend the wait a week before you call and ask her out strategy. But you can still work Challenge by lying low for the first night. Then take every Buying Signal that you get from any girl that youre interested in as an opportunity to close, close close. (Were working in a limited time frame here.) The idea is that in this specialized situation, you go on ahead and go for it physically, but verbally, as always, you hold back and remain a Challenge.
Aerobics Classes. Two things: As difficult as it may be to do, look only into the eyes of the women you meet there and do not look at their bodies. (Youll be the first guy who ever did that.) And, dont try to strike up conversations with any of the women there. Just keep showing up for every class and be cool. Once you get your time in, the ones who have interest in you will approach YOU.
Wine Tasting Clubs. The women you meet her will be more intellectual, classy and cultured than the average female that youd meet in a bar. (Thats a good thing unless you go for the more earthy type.) And, as you pointed out, Johnny, the conversation will be flowing as freely as the wine.
Remember, guys: always work efficiently not hard.
I just wanted to say thank you for what The System has done for me. I've only had the program for a couple of months and I'm still learning, but I'm already noticing some definite changes, not only in the way women are reacting to me, but more importantly in the way I'm acting towards women.
I say this as a recovering "nice guy," at least with the girls I really liked. After learning about your principles, I discovered that I behaved differently with girls that I didn't feel as strongly for and that thats why they were so much more into me. Common sense, yes, but it's amazing what you can overlook in your own behavior.
Anyway, I have a quick question. I'm a college student; and while your dating strategies are readily applicable to girls I meet in most circumstances, I can't quite get my head around how to apply it to girls I meet in class. How do I go about approaching a girl in that situation?
The standard rules of meeting, talking, getting the digits, and leaving first don't really apply, nor does waiting a week to call. If I get her number in class, even if it's the last day of class that week, I will probably see her again a couple of days later. And I don't think it would be effective to avoid/ignore her in class, then call her up and act like I hadn't seen her. Could you please throw me a bone Doc?
Rocky who needs specialized coaching for guys in college
As you know, I always instruct you guys to ask for the home phone number of any girl youve just met and are interested in. No hesitation. No apologies. This is done as a test of the womans Interest Level in you. Its done to demonstrate to her that you are a confident guy who means business. Its done to impress her with your directness. And its also done because, in most cases, you will never see her again if you dont get her number before you part company with her.
But, the classroom environment does present a specialized situation where we can creatively modify the closing process. A particular woman whom you meet in your history class, for instance, might possibly drop the class or drop out of school entirely before you get her number if you fail to act quickly. But odds are that that wont happen.
Lets assume, for educational purposes, that 99% of the attendees of a particular class will make it through the entire semester. That means that for all intents and purposes, you have what a Marine Drill Instructor has in his group of recruits: a captive audience. And when you have a captive audience, you should use the situation to your advantage, or as they say on the hip-hop dance floor, You got to work it, Baby!
So, Rocky, lets say that there are a couple of different babes in your philosophy class that you have the hots for. Dont hit on them. Dont come on to them. Dont even talk to them. Instead, do all you can to be highly visible in the class. Ask really intelligent and interesting questions and, if you have a knack for it, make clever, humorous comments that make the whole class crack up. Soon, every girl in the class will be impressed by you and also curious about you. To you Psych majors, you gotta stand out.
As the power of your persona gains momentum and magnetism, everyone will want to know you better. Then, using your popularity, take every opportunity you have, before and after class, to make sure that the two girls that you like see how much the other girls in the class love to talk and laugh with you. All the while, continue to ignore the two that youre hot for. This will really make you Mr. Interesting in their eyes.
If you follow this plan of action to the best of your abilities, one or both of the girls that youre interested in should approach you and initiate interaction with you within a few weeks or less.
Once one of them demonstrates some authentic interest in you and gives you some obvious Buying Signals, then close her for her home phone number. Also make sure to end the conversation first and move on. Either go and talk with some other girl or take a seat or leave the room if class is over. Yes, Rocky, you still leave first, whatever form of leaving you can create in that environment.
You will then, as always, wait a week, Rocky, before you call your love interest and ask her out. As my cousin Sal The Fish Love would say, All the idiots call within 48 hours.
Now heres a powerful concept to shatter all your fear and confusion about seeing her again before you call her. It is simply this: when you run into her again, before youve called her, dont put ANY pressure on yourself to excuse your lack of communication. Relax. Chill out. Be cool. Dont get all antsy and embarrassed. Realize that any discomfort you feel is self-inflicted. Its totally ok if she sees you again before you call her. Let her see you four or five times before you call. No big deal.
Dont be afraid that shes going to think that youve rejected her. Why not? Because if she does think that, then its only going to raise her Interest Level and make her extra co-operative when you do call her and ask her out. And once again, when you finally do call, make no excuses or explanations. Just make a date and then get off the phone. Badda bing badda boom.
And heres another thought to help you appreciate why waiting a week to call is the right thing to do, even though you may run into her more than once in the interim. You can be certain that no other fellow has ever played it so cool with her and this will work to your advantage. Shell be thinking, Gee, every other guy from my classes that Ive given my number to has called me the next day. Whats this Rocky guys story? Hmm, Im intrigued. I think Ill have to raise my Interest Level in him.
As for the other gal that youre working on, if the weeks keep going by and she just doesnt make a move to connect with you, then go on ahead and take the initiative. The idea, Rocky, is that in this specialized situation, you bide your time and give her an abundance of opportunities to close you, but you most ultimately do the closing if she doesnt.
Remember, guys: always ask for the home phone number and
always wait a week to call.
Dear Doc Love,
I don't know whom else to ask, but I'd rather ask for a man's advice than a woman's. If I asked a woman I'd only be setting myself up for the "you made yourself look cheap, conniving, and deceitful. So here it goes.
I just graduated from college and finished my finals. There was this guy in my class who I believed was very handsome in every way. He was confident, attractive and funny. I had never spoken to him before, but I realized it when I saw him speak in class. He sat all the way in the back, and I like to sit in the front. So, knowing that we would have never gotten a chance to speak, I went up to him during the 9th week of class (we have class once a week) and asked him out.
I had never done that before, but I thought it would be an admirable gesture. I know that guys almost never get asked out directly, especially if a gorgeous woman initiates it. (I model bathing suits part-time not to brag.) I had been drooling over him for over 6 weeks.
When I asked him out he responded with a happy, "Yeah, sure!" And then the nail biter, "Oh you know I have a girlfriend, but we can still hang out! Do you care that I have one?" I said no because I don't care. I just wanted to get to know him over a beer, not kidnap him.
We tried to get to know each other with the ten minutes we had. Everything was left open-ended. I thought he'd call but he didn't. It's been two months. Why, dear god, why? I can't stop obsessing over him. I know I'm very pretty and intelligent. I have a great body and beautiful face, and I came across as very sweet. He seemed enthused. What the hell happened? I wouldn't care if he called me next month or the month after that. That's fine with me. It was left so open-ended. I left him a message on his voicemail four days after we talked, and he didn't return my call. What do you think? Did I blow it by coming on too strong?
Jennifer who wants to know what is going on
Wow. Your Interest level in this guy is so high that youll still be delighted to go out with him if he calls two months from now. So much for the protests I get from women who say that if a guy waits more than a few days to call, then a woman loses interest in him.
Guys, I want you to read Jennifers letter more than once. This is a stunning example of what lengths a beautiful woman, any woman, will go to and how flexible she can be when her Interest Level is off the chart. She hadnt even ever talked to the guy, and she broke a lifelong pattern of passivity. Beautiful women can afford to be as passive as they want. She walked right up to her dreamboat and closed him on the spot. Its that kind of fearless, balls to the wall attitude that a lot of YOU GUYS still need to adopt.
Jennifer, when you were direct, moving like a heat-seeking missile honing in on its target, you did great. Any one of your sisters who would have called your behavior cheap and conniving is way, way out of touch. You knew what you wanted, and you went for it. Good on ya as they say in Australia. Its certainly possible for a woman to take the initiative to ask a guy out and still maintain her feminine grace. YOU did it.
But Jennifer, he told you that he already had a girlfriend. You liked him so much you were willing to lie and tell him that you didnt care that he had a girlfriend. But you did care. He was being nice and going with the flow, but the Bottom Line Factor says: He didnt call. Hes not available for relationship, of any kind. Youve got to stop with the obsessing and let it go. Thats what smart guys learn to do. They learn that they will be rejected more often than theyll be accepted, so they learn not to focus all their hopes on one potential partner.
You, Jennifer, just cant believe that any man would turn you down because no man ever has, up until now. But you gotta wake up sister. He did turn you down. Accept it and move on. If you keep obsessing about this guy, youll be in a chronic state of distraction and likely to overlook your soul mate when he crosses your path.
I do want to encourage you to not be discouraged from ever taking the initiative again. Dont wind up like one of those girls who get rejected once and then say, Oh, I asked a guy out once but Ill never do that again. Men dont like it when women take the initiative.
Your classmate didnt turn you down because men dont like it when women are direct. The reason he didnt call you wasnt because you came on too strong. He didnt call you because his interests lie elsewhere, period.
Remember, guys, even beautiful women sometimes get
Dear Doc Love,
I met this girl a few weeks back while interviewing people to fill a job position that we had open where I work. (Im an administrator at a small business college. I do the interviewing but I dont make the final decisions on who gets hired.)
I have to tell you that this girl seemed so perfect for me. I could tell she was taking interest in me by the way she was staring into my eyes, but I was just way too scared to even ask her out. I guess the last time I even asked a girl out was four or five months ago. Ive just felt kind of frozen. The way my schedule is, I dont often meet any women in my daily life.
This girl came back a second time for another interview with my boss, but I was too nervous again, and I only barely said hello to her although she gave me a warm smile. Is there any way I can recover from this and give this another shot? I really think this girl is right for me. I would really appreciate any advice.
Elliot who needs to get his courage up
Hold your horses and cool your jets, Sonny Boy. We dont know if your potential new co-worker was giving you that sparkly-eyed look because
he was attracted to you, or, because she was turning on the charm so youd give her the job (or both.) Although its more likely that she was more interested in the job than in you. Thats the way the odds play out in the land of reality.
But whatever the truth was, when youre on the job youre not there to be hitting on the pretty girls who come in for interviews. You were there, in this case, to find the best person for the position that was open. So its good that you didnt come on to this girl. You dont want to be jeopardizing your own job. But, at the same time its not good that you were afraid to ask her out. You understand the distinction?
When and if you should get involved with someone at your work is always a tough call. There are no hard and fast rules. There are guys who have been sued and raked over the coals for even complimenting a female co-worker. And, there are plenty of examples of men who met the love of their life at the office.
In your case, Elliot, its apparent that you dont have the confidence, the cool or the clarity to handle such a delicate situation. I dont even want you to be thinking about asking this particular girl out. Youre not ready yet.
The System tells us that one of the qualities that women value most in a man is confidence. If youre not confident with women, which youre obviously not, Elliot, then you must put yourself on a confidence-building program. How is that done? Heres the secret: (Its actually a lot easier than you might think.)
Determine the highest level of beauty that a woman can have and still not engender one bit of nervousness or trepidation in you when you contemplate approaching her and talking to her. So, for instance, if you still get the heebie jeebies at the thought of approaching a 7, take it down a couple notches to the 5s who never make you uncomfortable at all. Then, whenever you are out and about in public, say hello to and strike up a conversation with every woman that you encounter who is, in one way or another, a 5 or less in your eyes.
Talk to women of all ages. Talk to mothers with their kids. Talk to grandmothers you encounter at the produce section in the market. Ask them what the difference is between a sweet potato and a yam. Laugh and joke with the plain Jane who works at the bank who just isnt quite pretty enough for you to be romantically interested in. But only talk to women who you are 100% comfortable with.
You see, if you spend most of your life hardly ever approaching and talking to any females at all, its pretty tough to suddenly ask a girl out that youve just met, particularly a rather attractive one. But the more you practice interacting with females on a daily basis, the easier it gets to connect with the ones you like.
The low 7, who used to make you slightly nervous, now begins to feel like just another one of the gals who you regularly chat with. Then, once you achieve comfort and confidence with the low 7s, step up to the mid and high 7s. The trick is to crank up the risk factor very, very slowly, so slowly that your subconscious never perceives that there is anything to fear.
If you follow my instructions, Elliot, you will slowly but surely gain the comfort and confidence you need in order to be successful with women. You will no longer have to be tormenting yourself about how you failed to close when you knew that you should have. And you wont be complaining that you dont meet any women. There are women everywhere you go, arent there? Smile and say hello. Start with the ones you have no attraction to, thats easy.
But, in order for this method to work, you have to be truly committed to practicing every day. It wont work if you merely do it in a half-assed way. Read my instructions over several times and make the commitment to do whatever it takes to have a real breakthrough for yourself.
Then, when the next potential soul mate crosses your path, it will be no big deal to say to her, Missy, Id like to take you out. Whats your home phone number? Just avoid using work as your only resource for meeting women. Get out there on the street and start relating to the abundance of women who are everywhere else.
Remember, guys: dont bite off more than you can
I met a girl last year at my college, a very beautiful woman, and the dream of every guy on the campus. When we first met, because of the way she was behaving with me, I thought she liked me. Everything was going well until I asked her if she would become my girl friend. She explained to me that I was a great guy, but she wasnt looking for a boy friend.
I met her two days after that, and I asked her if she wanted to come to my uncles house to have some African food. She replied that she didnt want to come because she didnt want to give me the impression that she wanted to be more than my friend. When she was leaving I asked for a hug, but she refused. Everything seemed pretty clear: the girl did not want any romance between us.
I did everything I could to forget her, but it did not work. For some reason, I had a strong intuition that she felt something for me. I called her and told her that I was missing her. For the second time she explained to me that we were just friends and that I was not supposed to miss her. It hurt to hear her tell me that, but I accepted it.
For my own self-esteem, I upgraded my look. I bought all new clothes, a whole new wardrobe. I started dressing very nicely. I stopped focusing on her and started a new life.
Then last week while I was working at the circulation desk of the library, she came in and saw me and talked to me and asked me how I was doing. And then to my big surprise, she asked me out for dinner, the same night!
So we went out to dinner but I was so confused that I could hardly eat anything. After the dinner, I tried to kiss her but she turned her head.
Then I saw her on campus a couple days later, and she asked me if I was going to take her out again; and she asked me if I would buy her a new pair of rather expensive shoes.
My concern is this: Is this girl just interested in my wallet or what.? Im very confused, because I don't want to spend my money for a girl who is just playing with me. The big problem is that I still love her, and she knows it. Is she trying to take advantage of that? What should I do?
Jules who needs help
Well, son I have to say that you bring new meaning to the term thick headed. Youre denser than a Christmas fruitcake. How many times do you need to get shot down by this girl before you get the message? She twists the knife and then you sign up for more. I have a tip for you, Jules. Stop! Give it up. Have some self-respect. There aint no cheese down that hole.
You made a big hairy boo boo with this gal right out of the chute when you asked her if she wanted to be your girlfriend. Whatever chance you might have had to win her heart was lost at that point. A man should NEVER ask a woman if she wants to be his girlfriend. Its a very weak approach, a turnoff. Theres no mystery, no Challenge in it. Besides, when you have to ask, 99% of the time, the answer is, No.
Your primary job in the courtship, process, Jules is simply to raise the womans Interest Level in you. That will automatically happen if you follow guidelines of The System whenever you are out with a woman (provided she has 51% Interest Level in you to begin with).
And the cool thing is that once a womans level of interest in you has reached critical mass, SHE will be the one to close YOU for commitment. Shell be saying things like: So does this mean were going steady? or, Are you seeing anyone else? or, So where is this relationship going?
When you revamped your wardrobe, Jules, your girl - friend deduced that you are a man of more than modest means. Thats when she slapped on her miners cap and the Gold Rush started. She wont kiss you and then she asks you to foot the bill for fancy footwear. The audacity! Shes got more balls than a driving range. (Shes used to getting away with that kind of manipulative crap because shes so beautiful, but now youre going to be the one to say No.)
Jules, stop wallowing in self-defeating lovesickness and self-pity. Shes not available, not interested and a mercenary to boot, a self serving user who figures she can work you for a few financial favors. If she were a guy, women would call her a real creep.
Jules, learn how to be a Challenge, move on and use The System to get yourself a sweetheart who likes you a lot. Once you do, it will be easy to forget Miss Shoeless.
Remember, guys: when shes not available, make like
a bank teller and just say, Next!
I have been reading your column every week now for about two years and am looking forward to many more. As we both know, women generally have an advantage in relationships, especially in this era when men have been brainwashed by feminism into believing that any show of assertiveness on their part equals injury to the woman. Ironically, even though many feminists complain about assertive men, they often choose assertive men as their lovers. This kind of female hypocrisy is rampant in many areas.
For example, women will say that men are cheaters even though women are cheating in record numbers. If caught for cheating they will say that men do it, too. They will complain that men have double standards about promiscuity when in fact they themselves hold that double standard.
They view promiscuous men as threats to their relationships, yet are attracted to a man who can bed large numbers of women since it implies that he must be doing something pretty special to get all those partners.
I was wondering if you would write a column describing the phenomenon of attention shifting by females so that you can help the men who may be getting manipulated by it.
Sincerely, Toby - who is no longer fooled by female hypocrisy
As you already know, I agree with you completely. Men, in general, have been p-whipped and brainwashed by the male-bashing media into thinking that they have to apologize for being men. For instance, check out the plot line of half the books on Oprahs Book Club list over the last few years. The main female characters are victims of various forms of abuse, and the main male characters are the perpetrators. Its an astonishingly predominant theme that runs through a preponderance of the novels on her list. So when the most popular and powerful woman on television is pedaling this kind of propaganda, what kind of message does that send to adolescent boys who are struggling to relate to females? And what is the queen of the tube teaching young women about men?
Take a close, objective look at the commercials on television. Men are frequently portrayed as inept dunces and incompetent losers. In advertising land, men are sloppy and selfish. Theyre incapable of taking care of themselves when theyre sick. Theyre forgetful of anniversary and birthday dates. Theyre dysfunctionally obsessed with sports. Theyre untrustworthy creatures who dont deserve common courtesy. To whom are these ads catering to? Women of course. To you psych majors, the female controls the purse strings in the home.
The ad that kills me is the one in which the guy is broken down on a desert road and a hot chick pulls up in a hot car and taunts him for a few moments and then drives away leaving him stranded. Yeah. Let him walk 30 miles in the blazing sun to get help. Thatll show him. You go, girl!
Yes, Toby, the Feministas are of course raving hypocrites. Just look at the mating choices of one of their Founding Mothers, Gloria Steinem. She made a career out of ranting and railing against the Patriarchy and once dismissed marriage as an institution that destroys relationships. Yet whom did she choose for her husband when she decided to become a first-time bride at the age of 66? A wealthy and powerful international entrepreneur, David Bale. (Jane Fonda made a similarly surprising choice when she married Ted Turner founder of CNN and the largest landowner in America.)
Attempting to justify the betrayal of her own principles, Steinem told her minions on her wedding day, Im happy, surprised and one day will write about it, but for now, I hope this proves what feminists have always said, that feminism is about the ability to choose whats right at each time of our lives. But she didnt let the sisterhood down completely. The small wedding ceremony, attended by close family and friends, took place in the Adair County Oklahoma home of Steinems gal pal whos name is, and Im not making this up, Wilma Mankiller, a Cherokee Indian woman.
Sometimes youll see a male-bashing momma with a weak and wimpy guy that she can control, but she wont stay with him for long or if she does, hes the punching bag in the relationship for the rest of his life.
The Reality Factor says that when the chickens come home to roost, even the most hard-core Amazonian Feminista (unless shes a dyke) has a deep-seated need for a strong man who will take control. In fact the more hard- core she is the more masculine and dominating a man shell tend to pick for her partner. Why? Because its the only way she can feel feminine. Deep down, she wants someone who will set limits for her and tell her No once in awhile. Only an extra tough dude can make a tough woman feel girlish.
When a man cheats on his girlfriend or wife, he is labeled by womenfolk as a creep and a user. When a woman cheats on her man, shes often seen as a victim who was compelled to do it only because she needed to free herself from a bad relationship and discover her deepest unfulfilled needs.
Hes a total jerk while shes on a journey of self-expression and self-discovery. (Imagine a guy getting away with such an excuse!)
The double standard that reigns supreme in the arena of sexual politics is the following. Women: good. Men: guilty until proven innocent.
Yes, its all very real and its all very annoying and disconcerting. Still we can be thankful for talk radio and the Internet. Those are two places where youll find that men can consistently get an even break.
So whats a guy to do? How do you deal with all this adversity when youre out and about in the world, just trying to do your job and find a mate?
Realize that you never need to apologize for being a man. You dont have to buy into the party line that a man is a user and abuser until he proves that hes not. You dont need to feel guilty about your sexuality. Being a man is a noble and virtuous thing. Study "The System, and become a confident man of high integrity and walk tall.
Avoid any woman who has a chip on her shoulder and an axe to grind. There are plenty out there who dont hate men and who appreciate and respect a man who makes no apologies for his masculinity.
Remember, guys: you only need one sweet one.
Dear Doc Love,
Theres something thats always puzzled me about women. Its a phenomenon that Ive observed in my own relationship with my girlfriend and also in the relationships of my friends. Why do women who are happy and deeply in love with their partners, stir things up and start arguments for no rational reason?
I think you know what Im talking about. Its that thing they do where everything is hunky dorey and suddenly, out of left field, they come up with some confrontational question. Like, Honey, why dont you ever .? Or, You always . Or, Why cant you? .
Is there something built into the female that compels her to push and test and challenge her man? Why do they unnecessarily and irrationally create conflict, even when they're in a happy successful relationship?
Im very interested to hear any thoughts that you have on this topic, Doc.
Bennet who wants a deeper understanding
The one insightful thing about John Grays best selling book, Men are From Mars Women Are From Venus, is its title. Men and women are different from each other. A man, by nature, tends to look for comfort and consistency in his relationship.
On the other hand, a woman has a tendency to make her primary relationship into her Perpetual- Improvement Project. So, if theres nothing to work on or process, shes compelled to create something in order that the Perpetual Improvement Project can continue. As my uncle Jethro Love would say, Theyve always gotta mess with things when things dont need fixin."
Youve probably heard the old familiar saying: When a man marries a woman, he hopes shell never change while she hopes that shell be able to change him. The interesting thing about old familiar sayings is that a lot of them are based in real wisdom. In relationship, a man avoids change while a woman thrives on it -- if things seem a bit placid and static, time to do some stirring up!
Also, for many women, maintaining peace and harmony with their partner is just not socially acceptable. Why? Because when women gather in groups of their own kind, one of the primary ways that they bond is by commiserating with each other about their problems, particularly their relationship problems. So, as a woman, where are you going to get your gossipy gal-to-gal bonding material if youre in a relationship thats purring along just fine, without problems? You gotta bring more to the party than that if you want status in the herd.
Yes, Bennet, I think that women do have an innate need to test and push their man. Why exactly must they do it? Ask fifty shrinks and youll get fifty different answers. But I say that one of the main reasons they push is to see if theres anything there to push up against.
They need to know that you have a backbone, that youll set limits, that youll stand up for yourself. It makes them feel safe when you wont take any crap. It somehow provides them with reassurance that you are strong enough and confident enough to fight back when youre provoked and that youre capable of protecting them from danger.
Trying to check a mans protective capabilities by starting arguments is not totally logical, but it is bio-logical. Its a drive that goes back to the days when the womenfolk huddled in the cave while the men fought off a pack of ravenous saber toothed tigers. A womans actual physical survival was dependent on having a strong and brave male at her side who could hunt and kill dangerous animals and protect her from hostile tribes. That survival-based drive for a provider/protector still motivates the modern female.
So, even if a woman has super high Interest Level in you and she is also a sweet, loving and giving person, its not uncommon for her to also be continually testing your metal somehow. Shell always need to be digging and questioning, prying and pushing in subtle or overt ways. Why? Because shes a female.
Remember, guys: the man who passes the test is the man
who wont be tested.
I am smitten with a beautiful redhead who has a three year-old daughter. She told me from the beginning that she wasn't looking for anyone because she didnt want anyone telling her how to raise her little girl. Apparently, she had had a bad relationship with her daughters father, which ended with her kicking him out of the house for becoming a drunk right after her daughter was born. I know I should have listened to her, but I started spending a lot of time with her - along with her daughter and mine, who were always with us. We were just like a family, except there was no intimacy.
One day I finally asked her if we were just friends or if there was a chance our relationship could develop into something more. She said there was a chance, but that she was not ready yet and would like us to be just friends right now.
I know I should move on, but Im crazy about her. My question is, should I believe that I have a chance with her and hold on, or should I just move on? Is there anything I can do to win her over or was the relationship dead when she said the word friends? Any advice will be most appreciated.
Oscar who wants to know if he should wait for her
Oscar, Oscar, Oscar
When you - or any guy - ask, Is there a chance? something should tell you that you dont. Why Because as my cousin, Father Love would say, If you have to ask, the answer is no.
When a woman likes you, she lets you know it. Unfortunately, most men only look at their feelings and overrate hers. Your quips about being smitten and crazy about her demonstrate to me that your high Interest Level has smothered your objectivity.
Besides having a low Interest Level problem - she told you she wasnt looking for anyone, which in Womanese means: Im not looking for anyone fitting your description! - this woman also seems to have an attitude problem. When she snarled, No man is going to tell me how to raise my kid! she was directing her message at you! You had barely met her and already she was laying down the law (a woman usually waits a little longer to bare her teeth at a guy typically after he starts panting after her like a dog in heat!). Growling warnings at you doesnt sound loving to me; instead, it shows that she has a chip on her shoulder the size of Montana. Hey - she may have had an ex who only braked for liquor stores, but thats no excuse for her to browbeat the rest of men-kind. After all, she only has herself to blame for her previous poor choices in men. Touché!
Of course theres never any intimacy to your outings, Oscar she always has her kid around! The truth is: shes using her as a shield against intimacy. Im for family togetherness and I think it is good that all four of you get along, but you need to find out if the two of you get along. You would find this out if she ever gave you the opportunity; the fact that she hasnt after all this time should tell you something!
She is obviously happy with the pattern she has with you. In her mind, the four of you can keep things just as they are forever at arms length. You may feel comfortable with this arrangement, Oscar, but romantically, its a big waste of time. Why? Because it will never raise her Interest Level.
You will never move from just friends to loving soul mates because The Reality Factor states that it takes two with high Interest Level to tango. Im afraid your girl has left you dancing by yourself, Oscar.
You should take her words about you having a chance with her about as seriously as the suggestion that Yassir Arafat might someday grace the cover of People Magazines Sexiest Man Alive issue. When a woman says shes not ready for a romantic relationship, it means in Womanese that the earth would blow asunder before she would give you a real date.
What are your actual chances? Well, they would be a lot better if you got her to leave her little darling at home - fat chance! To know your chances for sure, tell her you want to leave the kids with a baby sitter - youll find out soon enough where you stand! Of course, if she doesnt go along with this proposal, then its adios, baby.
Oscar, in spite of the way this girl knowingly gives you false hope I must give her credit for being somewhat up front with you. Unfortunately, like most guys out there with extreme Interest Level, you didn't heed her admonition. Thats OK now that you have The System, you wont make this mistake again.
Remember, guys: you are looking for someone to love you,
not waste your time - so choose accordingly. Dont let
dreams of an ideal family life with Miss Right make you
overlook her flaws. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say,
What makes a women good is her attitude.
I met this cute girl, Cindy, at a party last week. We hit it off right away. She was touching me a whole bunch and I got her home phone number.
She also asked me for my phone number so I gave it to her. I knew from reading your articles, Doc, that its ok to give a girl your phone number but ONLY if shes already given you hers, and this girl actually gave me hers before I even asked for it. It was totally obvious that she had very high Interest in me and my Interest Level in her was real high too.
So even though I was dying to call her the next day, I didnt. I was all set to wait a week to contact her, according to your System, but when I came home the night after I met her, there was a message on my service from her, asking me if Id like to go out for lunch or dinner or something. Yes, thats right. She called me the next day and asked me out! Ive never had that happen before.
So now Im not sure what to do. Should I stick to the plan and wait till a week has gone by to call her, or should I return her call right away? I feel like calling her right back but Im committed to doing the right thing according to your principles, Doc. Since Ive been studying your materials Ive realized how many chances Ive blown with women by being too eager and I dont want to blow it any more.
So, Doc, what should I do?
Dale who needs an answer right away
Congratulations. Youve got a live one there! This girls giving you more buying signals than a shop-aholic with a new gold card. As my cousin Sal The Fish Love would say, When they dig you, they let you know it.
Yes, you my brother, Dale, have experienced those rare phenomena that only takes place when the Moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars. That quite uncommon occurrence -- a woman calling a guy and asking him out. Isnt it a trip? Isnt it refreshing? Yep, you gotta love it.
And I commend you, Dale, on you dedication to doing whatever it takes to change your love life for the better. Youre a great role model for all students of The System.
So lets get you straightened out here. Yes, in almost all circumstances, when we first get a girls phone number, we do wait a week before we call her. But this situation you find yourself in, Dale, is unusual, and you cant just be a robot who follows only one programming command. Part of becoming a Three Percenter (one of the three percent of men who have true mastery with women) involves learning when and when not to improvise and bend the rules. In this case were going to take a left turn.
What you should do is wait only one more day and then call Cindy back and make a date with her. Why am I saying that its OK to do that? The big thing here is that shes coming at you. As they say in the trenches, its Incoming. Shes taken a risk and allowed herself to be vulnerable so its appropriate to meet her halfway.
We dont want you to be like one of those Rules Girls who refuse to return a mans call because they want him to grovel before theyll go out with him. It good policy to always be courteous. But dont worry. Youre still going to be a Challenge, Dale, because when you call Cindy, youre not going to spend a half hour chatting with her, diminishing your mystery quotient. Most guys would do that, but youre going to be different.
Instead, youll say Hi, hello, how ya doin? and then go for the jugular and make a date with her, badda bing badda boom. When you do that, youre being direct and decisive, and women love that. So go ahead, Dale, and dial those digits.
Remember, guys: you gotta know when to follow the rules,
and when to bend them.
I met this girl, Susan, in my art class at UCSB. We hit it off and traded phone numbers. Two days later she called me and asked me if I wanted to join her and her friends that night for beer and pizza. Even though it was short notice, I said yes and went that night.
When I got to the restaurant she enthusiastically hugged me and introduced me to all her friends, there were six of them three guys and three girls. We all got along and had a fun time. We finally all walked out together and Susan hugged me again and kissed me on the cheek. I didnt even make a move on her at all. She came at me first.
A few days passed and then today she called and left a message asking me if I want to join her and her friends again, this time for a volleyball game at the beach this coming weekend. Im actually a great volleyball player and I know it would be fun and that it probably would be a good opportunity to impress Susan with my athletic skills.
So, Doc, Im thinking that this girl must have high interest in me because shes doing all the calling and shes asked me out twice now. But I also have doubts that maybe since she wants me to hang out with her and her friends again, that that means that she only wants to be friends with me. Would it be better to ask her out for a one-on-one at this point to test her Interest Level or would it be rude not to accept her invitation? What do you think.
Lindsey whos just not sure
All right, heres the lowdown. There were two mistakes that you made when you accepted that first date with your Suzie Q. Number one; you accepted a date on short notice. I know that its compelling and also flattering when a woman who you like, calls you and asks you out. The average guy only needs one finger (or fewer) to count all the times in his entire life that a woman has ever taken the initiative to ask him out. So when it does happen its kind of a shock and theres a tendency to throw Challenge out the window. But one of the bedrock principles of The System is self- control.
You should have told this gal, Lindsey, that you already had a prior commitment that night, even though you didnt. Why? Because when you accept a date on short notice, it diminishes your mystery quotient in her eyes. It makes you appear too available and too eager and so her romantic Interest Level in you is impacted negatively. To you Psych majors, you gotta learn to play hard to get.
Guys, when a woman who youve just met calls and asks you out on short notice, she isnt even aware of the fact that shed actually like you more if you didnt accept the date. Shes unconscious of the fact that in reality shes setting up a little test for you to see how much of a Challenge you are. Granted, usually, when a woman calls a guy after having just met him she has to have pretty darn high Interest Level in him to begin with.
So, the argument could be made; So what if her Interest Level lowers by a point or too when its probably very high to begin with? Well, probably is the operative word here. In the beginning all dates are too new to rate. We dont know where we stand until we cross that 60 Days goal line. So its always best to too keep the odds in your favor as much as possible.
You see, Lindsey, girls turn guys down all day long, day in and day out but a guy turning a girl down? How often does that happen? (About as often as Osama Bin Laden takes a bath.) But when it does happen, it has a powerful impact. If she has high Interest Level in the guy to begin with, its always higher after he (temporarily) rejects her.
The second mistake that you made, Lindsey, is that you went out on your first date with this girl with HER posse. Doing that dis-empowers you in more ways than one. She knows everyone and you dont know anyone. Its unfamiliar territory with too many unknowns. Youre at a disadvantage. Plus you dont know who in the group might have an agenda thats in opposition to you making a love connection with your date. And you dont even know if its really a date or not. Its all very confusing and problematic.
You did one thing right, Lindsey, when you let her come at you with the hug and the kiss on the cheek. But remember a kiss on the cheek is very ambiguous. A kiss on the cheek can mean anything from Were gonna be buddies and nothing more to Im hoping youll jump my bones and heres a hint. After she kissed you on the cheek, Lindsey, you should have pulled her back in to your arms and given her a real kiss right on her lovely lips. If you had done that, then you wouldnt be wondering right now whether she wants to just be friends or not.
My recommendation to you now, Lindsey, is to take a pass on the group volleyball happening. Politely thank her for the invitation and tell her that youre busy. That wouldnt be rude of you to do. Youd only be being rude if made the date with her and then broke it - like thousands of women do to men every day.
Then wait a couple days and call her back and ask her out on a one-on-one date. If she insists on only going out with you in a group situation, then throw her phone number away (unless youre hard up for friends) But hopefully shell enthusiastically accept the more intimate date with you and then you can move forward from there.
Remember, guys: never let her think that youre too
I'm a 22-year-old decent looking, successful and well respected guy. I've been going out with my girlfriend for about a year now. Up until recently we had been getting into a lot of arguments. I think that it was mainly due to the fact that whenever Id see her talking one on one with another guy for more than a few minutes, like say at a party, I would lose my cool and overreact.
My jealous behavior seemed to be really frustrating her. These arguments got so intense at times that our relationship almost collapsed. She wanted me to change the way I was acting. So you know what Doc? That's exactly what I did. I spoke to a friend of mine who is a firm believer in "The System." He gave me some advice, which he thought would help.
I learned that, as much as it's killing me inside I should not react. That if I show her Im jealous that it will lower her Interest Level and she will see this as me not trusting her.
The other problem I had (that I didnt know I had) was that I would tell her I loved her two or three times a day. My friend also told me that saying these words too often is anti-challenging, and I needed to show her I loved her more by my actions.
So now I've been noticing she's acting really weird. The good thing is she's all over me like never before. I've never been chased by a woman like this, and shes very unstructured and giving. But she's unaware of what is going on and it's freaking her out. Now shes complaining that Idont love her and cherish her enough and that Im emotionally unavailable.
What I need to know is, despite cutting down on the "I love yous" and not acting jealous, why am I still having problems with her? I thought I was doing what was right but it hasn't made much of a difference in our relationship. Maybe Im being too much of a Challenge now.
What's going on here Doc?
Russell - who just can't win
Its great that youve stopped over-reacting whenever your girlfriend gets chatty with another guy. As youve come to understand, theres no positive or productive purpose in getting uptight, jealous and possesive in that kind of situation. (To you Psych majors, slavery is illegal.) Doing so only makes you look weak and insecure in your partners eyes. Plus, its just plain obnoxious.
So I commend you on making a big change for the better. It takes real commitment to drop a self-destructive habit like that, one that youve had for a long time. By simply changing your own reactive behavior, Russell, you were able to end the arguments that you and your girlfriend were having.
But on the other side of the coin, we need to look at your girlfriends contribution to the problem. Women instinctively know that their partners dont like it when they flirt with other men. Why was she doing it to begin with and rubbing it in your face to boot?
When you made it clear that you didnt like her behavior, your girlfriend could have and should have said something to you like, Sweetheart, since it makes you so uncomfortable when I get palsy-walsy with another guy while youre there, out of respect for your feelings, Im not going to do that anymore. I want you to feel happy and relaxed when were out socializing. Youre more important to me than any other guy. Thats what a woman with a flexible, giving attitude would have said.
But flipping back to the opposite side of the coin again, I have to tell you, Russell, that you also exacerbated the problem with the excess I love yous Its not a good policy to always be telling a woman who constantly argues with you that you love her. Your message to her was, Argue with me and youll get three I love yous a day Unconsciously, what you were doing was sanctioning her behavior, rewarding her for arguing with you.
All right. So why havent these changes that youve made had more of a fundamentally positive impact on your relationship? The problem, Russell, lies with your girlfriend. If shes all over you like cheese on pizza and you feel as if shes doing the chasing, thats an indication of high Interest Level. But her attitude sucks. Remember, its the woman who is the real manager of the relationship, and it sounds as if your girlfriend needs to learn some management skills.
Lets be totally objective here. Whats her modus operandi? Shes either arguing or complaining. How does that help to make you feel romantic towards her? Obviously it doesnt. Your gal is as high maintenance as an 86 Jaguar. Shes not a flexible giver, if she were, she wouldnt be constantly creating conflict. Im not a shrink, thank God, but your girlfriend has some issues to work on because, in her eyes no matter what you do, its not right.
So, Russell, youre not being too much of a Challenge. It sounds as if youre doing just fine. Your girlfriend is freaking out because shes fighting her own high Interest Level in you. She needs to surrender. She needs to drop the nagging and become more attuned to her inner feminine grace. But thats something she has to grow into at her own pace. You cant control that. In the meantime just keep studying The System and becoming more confident and centered.
Remember, guys: to have a happy relationship, your woman
has to have a good attitude as well as high interest.
First, I want to thank you for your info about women and dating. Before using The System I was one of those SNAG's, Sensitive New Age Guys that women say they want but actually dont. Using your stuff, I got to see how I was sabotaging myself being way too nice to women. When I first encountered The System, I thought it was all about manipulation, but now I know it is not about manipulation at all.
Anyway, I wanted to pass a question your way. I was living in Ventura County- California up until last month and I was a member of a singles group there which would fix up equal numbers of men and women for dinners, recreation, etc. I noticed at those events that many of the men were divorced and how much they struggled with successful dating.
I would watch them say things left and right that would reduce a womans interest in them. Like they would talk about their failed marriages. They would spill their guts about their insecurities and faults. They would ask a woman they were talking to if she thought they were interesting.
It seems that divorced men treat a potential date as if theyre already married to her. I tried to explain to some of these men about the error of their ways, but most of them seemed hopelessly whipped. Theyd say things like, If she really likes me, we wont have to go through all this dating stuff, or, I don't play games, I just ask women straight out if they like me or not". It was a sad sight for me to see how lost most of these divorced men were.
Please help give these divorced men a clue !!!
Lester who wants to help his fellow men
Thanks for your letter.
A wise sage once said, The definition of insanity is doing the same thing youve always done and expecting different results. Well I dont think I could come up with a better description of the behavior of most divorced guys who find themselves back in the dating scene.
Divorced men, in general, tend to have no awareness of the mistakes that they made that contributed to the failure of their marriage (or marriages.) Another classic philosophical quote applies here, Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
After having their heart torn out and having been financially taken to the cleaners, youd think at least that they would take a serious look at how they might have blown it and thereby change their self-defeating behavior. But, sadly, most dont, and they pay a heavy price for their lack of due diligence.
Remember that most of the time, its the woman who initiates the divorce proceedings. And for a guy to be utterly stunned and to go into a state of shock when his wife breaks the unsavory news to him is not at all uncommon. Then he comes to see himself as a victim whos been mysteriously and unfairly dumped. What he fails to ask himself is, Is it possible that she dropped me for logical and legitimate reasons? And, What are the errors that I made that I should make certain not to repeat, so that my next relationship remains positive and goes the distance?
The Reality Factor says that the man who feels ambushed by divorce, is having that experience because he did things to lower his partners Interest Level in him, over time. I wont go down the list now of all the different male behaviors that can erode a womans romantic Interest Level. (For an exhaustive list, refer to The System.)
But I will tell you that one of the major inappropriate things guys do in their marriages is that they begin to treat their wife and relate to her as if she were their mother. They get too comfortable and complacent. They think that they can be as soft and vulnerable and open and weak and whiney as theyve been able to be with their own mother, without being judged or penalized in any way.
But the love of a wife for her husband is different from the love of a mother for her child. A woman may be the mother of her husbands children but she just doesnt have the same quality of unconditional love for her husband that she has for her children. To you Psych majors, her kids can get away with stuff that her husband cant.
So then, heres a guy whos blown it, made his wife his Mama, gotten the axe and then is thrust back into the dating scene without a clue. What chance for success does he have? It would be tough to find any bookmaker whod give you decent odds on that one. And to add to this poor saps problems hes also resentful and spoiled and stubborn. Why should I change anything about myself? Its the women who need to understand ME better and treat ME better, he thinks.
When you quiz one of these guys on why they refuse to lay back, play it cool and not be so open, eager and available, they come up with the kinds of explanations youve heard, Lester. Just realize that when they say, I dont want to have to play games, thats code for: Im lazy, undisciplined, unwilling to take responsibility and terrified to risk trying something different.
So hey, Lester, I know how you feel. Its sad and frustrating when you run into one of these lost souls. Youd like to grab the fellow by the collar and shake some sense into him.
My Uncle Jethro Love would take him and whup em upside the head and tell him, Listen boy, I dont care if a gals from Montana or Mongolia, she wants a man whos cocky and confident as the rooster who rules the roost.
All you can do, Lester, is offer these deluded, divorced dudes an opportunity to hear the truth. The good news is that every once in awhile, youll find one whos eyes light up when you start telling him about The System. And when you see that light in his eyes, then you know youve met a man whos ready to change.
Remember, guys: in life, you only get one Momma.
I want to comment on your column: When The One" Isn't Pretty Enough. Your advice to Blake is right on target, a message to us to be a gentleman and not a jerk or a player. The quote, "Beauty fades, but attitude lasts forever" is really original and respectful to women.
That leads me to my dating problem. Is it too late to use "The System" after I already blew it by telling my friend that I like her?
Boris - who wants more info
Thanks, I appreciate the compliment. And its admirable that being respectful to women is a high priority for you. But there is also a tone in your correspondence that makes me suspect that you may be suffering from a case of Nice-Guy-itis. Why am I suspicious? Because, in your very first sentence you placed such importance on disassociating yourself from those men that you would label as jerks or players.
What you must realize is that those jerks and players, however lacking in integrity they may be, have a lot of women chasing after them. So even though I wouldnt recommend that you model your overall behavior after them, they do have certain charismatic qualities that you can emulate to enhance your success with women. As my bible totin cousin Brother Love would say, son, you must separate the wheat from the chaf.
You need to UNderstand, Boris, that being somewhat Unpredictible and UNavailable is not being disrespectful to women. On the contrary, women find those behaviors to be alluring, mysterious and exciting. And how could giving women what they want and meeting their emotional needs be considered being disrespectful to them?
Knowing that you are on the sensitive side of the spectrum of the male populace, Im concerned that you may attempt to verify OR invalidate what Ive just told you, by soliciting the opinions of various females that you know. But I feel that I would be remiss not to give you this admonition. Dont friggin do it! Youll only become more confused if you do.
One of the most powerful axioms of The System is that you cannot determine what women want by asking them directly. If you try asking women what they want, they will only mislead you. They will talk your ear off about what qualities they desire in a man, but they are essentially incapable of clearly communicating what male traits they actually deeply respond to emotionally.
If you dont believe me, all you have to do is pick any three women to interview. Then notice the contrast between the character traits that they tell you that they value most in a mate and the actual character traits of the various men that they have stayed with for any length of time throughout their lives. To you Psych majors, they dont know what the hell they want.
Initially theyll always recite the usual cliché things like sensitivity and a good sense of humor as being the qualities they value most. Maybe theyll be honest enough to mention that primal, primitive physical attraction is a prerequisite. Those who have mercenary tendencies may even tell you that they want to be with a guy who is ambitious (which is Womanese for wealthy). But a clinically sane woman who isnt a mercenary will always respond first and foremost to the qualities in a man known as The Three Cs.
What are these three essential Cs? No, theyre not Cash, Corvettes and Cocaine. What women really want, what they long for whether they know it or not, are the three most powerful attributes that a man a man can posses: Confidence, (self) Control and Challenge. (For an in depth explanation of The Three Cs refer to The System.)
I share all of this with you, Boris, to support you in finding your center. Somewhere in the middle between the extremes of the self-absorbed Macho Jerk and the wimpy Teddy Bear Guy, is the Real Man who has a healthy respect for women and lives and breathes The Three Cs.
Now, to answer your question, Boris. If your female friend had a level of romantic interest in you of 90% or higher, then your anti-Challenge behavior of telling her that you like her will have done little or nothing to lower her Interest Level. But if she began with an Interest Level in you of 89% or lower, I can guarantee you that its lower than that now. And the lower it was to begin with, the greater the number of percentage points it will have dropped since the execution of your big boo-boo.
But that doesnt mean that its too late to start using The System. Even if this gals level of romantic interest in you has sunk below the critical 50% threshold or, never was any higher than that to begin with, The Systemwill insure your success with the next one that comes along.
Remember, guys: players arent all bad.
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